Christmas Skit.

Daily Conversions

Christmas day celebration is a very big thing in my family, so big that my siblings anywhere in the world will never miss it, they always fly back home, it’s something I always look forward to ‘cause it’s all shades of mad fun with plenty of good food.
On the morning of Christmas eve, one lady I had been tracking for five years (Do you want to laugh? Do you know how many years it took Jacob before he got his heartthrob?) just called me.
     “Hi Papi”
     “Hello Dear, this one that you called me after all these years, am I safe?” I asked
     “Boo, I want to make it up to you” She replied. Did she say that or was my mind playing tricks on my ears.
     “Network issues, sorry I didn’t get you, what did you say?” I just needed to be sure I heard correctly the first time.
     “I said I called because I want to make it up to you dear” She answered. Wow, she called me “boo” & “dear” within twenty seconds, this Christmas was making sense.
     “hmmm… so how do you intend to go about this?” I asked, I tried not to sound excited, but damn, the minions in me were throwing a party already.
      “Well, how ‘bout we spend the night together, then Christmas with my folks” She said.
     “YES!!!” I almost screamed.
     “ Alright, meet me in 30 minutes at Ikeja City Mall, so we can pick up Christmas stuff, come with plenty money” then she hung up. A sensible person would have stopped to think about the “…so we can pick up Christmas stuff, COME WITH PLENTY MONEY” part, but the fact that I the babe had given me “spend the night together” locked every sensible form of reasoning in me.
I got dressed, then drove down to I.C.M. with joy and gladness in my heart, I didn’t even have time to bother about the mad Lagos drivers, I have no idea how best to describe the feeling when your crush of five years makes this type of offering, you’ve just got to accept the offering with thanksgiving man. I located her, we got some stuff (please scratch “Some”, we got a lot of stuff), male ego made me make most of the payments and I wasn’t even bothered.
We drove down to her folk’s place, they were very weird, they treated me like I was putting on some invisibility cloak, well except her Dad, the man talked to me about the civil war like I was his mate and I was in the war with him, after a long boring talk with him, he dropped one bomb.
      “How can a fine young man like you end up being a driver?, no dreams? No aspirations?” I choked on my drink.
     “What?” I asked.
     “Yeah, I know you’re my daughter’s driver” He said. It took me more than forty five minutes to convince him I wasn’t a driver, in fact I had to bring my car papers to prove the car was mine. I thought I was free, when he dropped another.
      “You’re not her driver, so you’re sleeping with her then” He said. My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
      “No I’m not”
      “Then you intend to” He said. Well technically he wasn’t entirely wrong.
      “No Sir, we are just friends” I denied.
      “Young man you don’t fool me, no “just friends” guy abandons his family on Christmas day, except he’s a bad son or he’s an orphan “. He said as he stood up. Peace at last, I waited for the babe to come out so we could head out to her place or mine depending on where she wanted us to spend the night together. She finally came downstairs.
      “ Papi, follow me” She said. I obeyed, she took me through a door in the kitchen that led to what looked like a boys’ quarter, perhaps that was where the action of tonight would take place, it was private enough.
      “Nice place you’ve got here” I said.
      “yeah, thanks, hope my Dad wasn’t much trouble?” She asked. Hell yeah he was
      “No he wasn’t” I lied. Then she came to me
      “Papi, I want to…” She was talking and I was telling myself “this is the moment- first a kiss, then lines will fall into place and boom- OIL WELL!!!” about the kiss, I needed to be sure my breathe didn’t stink & armpits too, in fact I think a bath would do.
      “Boo, where’s the bathroom?” I asked
      “Oh right there” She said, pointing to a door. I dashed for the bathroom.
      “So, you were saying?” I called out from the bathroom “hey, you there, please pass me the towel if you don’t mind” –Silence- I stepped out of the bathroom to find she had left, I dozed off while waiting for her to return, yeah she did return, at 7am to get me prepared for church, “Church?” It was a different thing in my family, the whole family would be up at 5am, devotion till 6am and the feasting began as early as 6am.
I followed her and her whole family to church, four cars were used in all and all the fat bumbums in her family just decided my cute saloon car would be comfy enough for five extra large humans, I suffered, so did my car too. Imagine we were in church from 8am till 3pm- on a Christmas day!!! My siblings made matters worse by constantly updating me with pictures of food. We got back home, spent another hour waiting for I-Don’t-Know, finally “Food is served”, I got to the table, paused to take the contents in, then sat down feeling dejected and wondering why bad things happened to good people.
     “Hope you don’t mind, we are all vegetarians here” her Dad said. All I saw was salads, fruits and “green”, I couldn’t take it anymore, since everyone had decided to act childish, I played along by picking up my car keys and heading to my folks.
                       
                      Season's Greetings Folks!!!