Petrol Wahala (Relativity Of Madness Pt. 2)

Fellow Nigerians, it is with a heavy heart and a mind conscious of the fact that my battery is at 20% that I write this, a sequel to the post tagged "Relativity Of Madness", in that post, I cited various instances to make it empirically evident that madness is relative, in this sequel, we'll look at the relationship between petrol, scarcity, government, humans & madness.

We live in a country where no one wants to be faulted or blamed for any shortcomings,

take for instance, you get to the fuelling/filling/petrol/gas station then ask the attendant why petrol has to be sold for the exorbitant amount it is being sold, he/she just says "na manager go fit answer you",  you ask the manager, that one will tell you it's the oil marketers, those ones will blame it on the supposed "stringent" policies of the petroleum & finance ministers "MAD ION" (Decipher what "MAD ION" is and get a gift), at the end of the day, the whole blame falls on the shoulders of "stealing is not corruption", one would think as the number one man/leader of the Nigerian peoples, he would take the blame and proffer solution, alas! That is never the case, rather, the blame game continues & the "opposition" is often times fingered as being responsible. Let's not bore ourselves with the political madness in our dear country, let's proceed.

My phone battery that has been on life support (power bank) is now at 19%, no power for over a week, petrol is now a luxury that's even hard to come by, weeks back I got the warning that there would be scarcity, the warning came as a dream, vision & revelation (Twitter-dream, Television-vision, Real life-revelation), I got back from work, as usual there was no power, in fact there hadn't been power for days, that meant I had to run the generator, I went to collect my gallon from my neighbor downstairs to go get fuel.

      "Oga Papi, you wan go buy fuel?"  he asked me, he always asks the same irrelevant question, now that's a form of madness on its own-

      "No ooo, I wan piss inside, keep" I replied  (Remember I''ve said in previous posts, for every stupid question, there's an equal but opposite sarcastic reply), woe betide thee if you say sarcasm is also a form of madness.

      "guy serious na, shey na petrol you wan go buy?" he asked again, some people just never get it.

      "-sigh- yes sir, na petrol I wan go buy" I answered

      "chai, me sef wan go buy petrol ooo" he replied and stood there. I didn't know how that was my business or why it should be my business, all I knew was I needed my gallon to go get fuel.

      "so wetin go happen now?" he asked, another mad question?

      "wetin go happen be say, you go waka inside go bring my keg comot, thank you" I answered, beginning to feel irritated

      "haba, me sef wan buy fuel na" he said. You people see how people use their madness to provoke other people to madness.

      "oga abeg give me gallon, I don too waste time here, if you wan buy fuel now, go buy your own gallon or you wait make I go come" I replied

      "Papi you be wicked person, why you no say make you wait, make me run go buy first." he repiled. Can you imagine, my own gallon ooo.

      "on top my own gallon, abeg give me something jare, how much be gallon wey you no fit buy?" I said, I was beginning to get angry.

      "papi, no insult me because of ordinary gallon" he said. The mad man finally released my gallon, I started my car and looked at the fuel gauge, my fuel tank was almost full, I decided it would be best to go to the station by public transport, I got to the station and the queue was overwhelming, only 2 out of 8 pumps were serving, I counted 57 gallons & mine was the 58th, after spending about two hours, the attendants said petrol had finished, so my waiting was in vain, slowly I took my gallon & headed home.

I got to the compound to be greeted by the moron that delayed me and his foul-mouthed girlfriend.

      "Papi, sebi you dey do gra-gra, now wey the fuel wey you buy? E good for you" he teased. I could do either of two things, get mad & be referred to as a mad man like him or just ignore him, the latter was the real deal, I just ignored and went upstairs to my apartment, my phones all beeped "battery low" simultaneously, I forgot to charge them at work, "Wait a minute!", I went to the balcony to check my generator (yes, the balcony, leaving my generator downstairs had cost me 2 generators that went off and walked away within a minute of going off- walked away, never to be seen again) I opened the generator tank, eureka! There was enough fuel to take me till morning, my heart leaped for joy at the discovery, I started the gen, then went back inside to enjoy the comfort of my comfy abode, barely two minutes later, my doorbell/intercomm rang.

      "hello, who's there?" I asked

      "Papi, abeg open, na me" from the voice, I knew it was the annoying dude downstairs, there was no way I was letting him- hell no, I hung up & disconnected the intercomm, he was still at the door, then my phone rang

      "Hello"

      "Hello Mr. Papi, please I need to do a little work on my laptop but there's no power, may I come?" A lady said, the lady staying in the other flat downstairs, but I couldn't recall giving her my number, I shrugged and chuckled at how she addressed me as "Mr. Papi"

      "okay, use the stairs at the back" I replied, because I didn't want the intruders coming in through the front door.

      "but I'm at the front door already" she replied. Anyway I had no choice but to open the front door, turned out the said intruders were still there, they got in & the annoying neighbor came with extensions, adapters and what seemed like all the rechargeable devices in the whole area- that's one madness fuel scarcity causes.

The next day was a Thursday, I drove to work, at work I noticed something unusual about my colleagues, first, the usually punctual ones came late and their reasons were fuel scarcity based, then the perpetual late comers had a filled day coming late, suddenly phone chargers became scarce, everybody was charging one thing or the other, that wasn't all as some colleagues' clothes looked like something they picked out of a bend-down-select boutique & to crown the whole madness up, everyone was unusually edgy.

It was time to get off work, I got to the car park & found a crowd around my car.

      "what happened?" I asked

      "we were patiently waiting for you" they answered

      "waiting for me? Why?"

      "Oga, fuel no dey, most of us didn't come with our cars" a colleague said

      "imagine, I paid four hundred naira from abule egba to ikeja along" another colleague added

      "Haa!!!" I exclaimed.

Out of the crowd, only 5 were lucky to go with me. The ride home was an interesting one, I had 2 pro-Jonathans & 3 anti-Jonathans, all I asked was who was responsible for the present situation in the country, and that was like stirring the hornet's nest.

One "normal" phenomenon in Lagos was that one could never judge the severity of a fuel scarcity by the number of vehicles seen on the road, there was always traffic. The previous day I checked my fuel guage, and it indicated my tank was almost full, it was disturbing to discover that with all the traffic, the gauge was still the same.

Next day, I was ready for work, I started the car & the fuel gauge dial was on "E", and so began my horrible day, I had two choices, stay home & call in sick or - then the annoying neighbor came out.

      "Papi, you no dey carry motor go work?" he asked. Okay I had no other choice but go to work.

I noticed commercial transport operators had trippled their fares, this particular bus I boarded was an eyesore, but with the multitude at the busstop, I didn't have a choice but board, then I was sandwiched between fat women carrying baskets of tomatoes, the driver while trying to conserve fuel kept turning the ignition off, worse still, the bus had to be pushed to start each time it went off, to further add to madness, the driver made stops at every bus-stop, then the conductor stepped on a frustrated lady, like the mixture of fuel, air & spark from a spark plug in a combustion engine, the lady tongue-lashed the conductor, the conductor being a verified mad man rather than apologize & keep quiet said

      "if you no want make person touch you, no enter bus na"

That statement was a catalyst, it sped up the rate of mad reactions as other passengers lambasted the conductor, one would have thought that was the height of verbal madness till the driver joined in, the moron kept taking his eyes off the road to respond to verbal attacks. You see, just like the bible talks about a mixed multitude, in Lagos you have a mixed multitude wherever a group of people who are supposed to have a common course are gathered. So in a typical Lagos commuter bus, you have different levels of mad people, the list is as follows:-

-The one that enters and claims "staff"

-The one whose phone keeps ringing out loud & who's voice on the phone is way louder than the loud ringtone.

-The one that looks into your phone while you're punching.

-The ones that see how tight & squeezed you are at one end and still say "shift" or "dress".

-The ones that open the window such that your own part gets closed.

-The chatter boxes.

-The ones that cannot control their eating disorder.

-The ones that do nothing but keep sighing.

-The busy bodies that attack the conductor/driver on behalf of another passenger.

-The dude trying to impress the random fine lady beside him.

-The lady making noises with the bubble gum she's chewing.

-The chronic liar that lies about his/her location over the phone.

-The sleeper.

-The fat women that think they are at liberty to squeeze the life out of your poor small frame.

-The "experienced" ones: always have an experience about any event at all.

-The conductor with his bushy armpit & "toned" singlet (toned from sparkling white to dirty brown)... The list can go on and on, please add your own. Let's go back to our story.

Being the only sane person in Lagos, I didn't join in their melee of madness, I silently prayed I would get to my destination quickly and in one piece, then I remembered the conductor hadn't given me my balance.

      "conductor, please give me my balance" I said

      "kini, balance kini" the conductor replied

      "my change please"

      "whush (which) shhange (change)?"

      "I gave you 1k, please give me my change, I''ll be alighting soon" I answered

      "na lie, oyinbo lo si n so (you''re still speaking English), I don give you your change" The conductor said. At that moment, some unseen force took over me and the locked up tout in me was out.

      "abi aiye e fe baje ni?, mo fun e 1k, oo de ti fun mi change, mo de n fi gentleman so fun e, kilode, se were wa l'opolo e ni abi o fe s'ofo l'aaro kutukutu yi" I snapped at the conductor, everyone was surprised, they weren't expecting such outburst from someone that was speaking like a refined English man earlier.

      "ki lo f'epe? Mo kan ba yin s'ere ni" the conductor replied

      "ogbeni fi story le, fun mi n change mi jare" I answered, he finally gave me my balance, I got to my bus-stop, alighted and breathed a deep sigh of relief.

      "egbon, Baba nla weyrey ni yin" The conductor called out as the bus drove off.

I got to work late & smelling like tomatoes, like my colleagues, I was grumpy & edgy, but mine was so bad that my boss asked me to take the rest of the day off. I rushed to the bank because I had gotten an alert that banks were closing by 1pm (due fuel scarcity), while on the queue, everyone was talking about the scarcity. I dived into my Twitter TL & saw a hashtag I fell in love with "#AintNobodyGotFuelForThat". I headed straight to the market after doing my transactions, the fuel scarcity had affected the price of everything, even pure water, people were hardly smiling. From the market, I headed home, I hardly barely stepped into my apartment when my phone rang

      "Yeah, hello bad guy Richie" I answered

      "Hey Papilo, what's good my nigga?" Richard replied

      "Nothing much bro, how's your end?" I asked

      "We’re chilling bro, we’re chilling"

      "Good to know, so what's up?" I asked

      "Papi it's Friday, where are we hanging out tonight?" Richard asked.

      "mennn, is it my turn to host You guys already?" I asked, 'cause every Friday we took turns hosting each other.

      "Yeah, my lady suggested we do karaoke, barbecue & booze, not a bad idea" Richard said. Then I thought about my day, the fuel scarcity and the rising cost of everything.

      "mennn, ain't nobody got fuel for that" was my reply, Richard burst into laughter.

      "Bro, the scarcity has gotten to you too"

      "Yes ooo, it hit me big time" I replied

      "My lady no wan hear that one oo" He answered

      "I'm even about to go hustle some petrol"

      "Okay Bro, let me know how it goes" Richard said, as he hung up.

I knew I wasn't about to go queue to get fuel, no way!!!

Then another call came in.

      "Hello"

      "Hey Papi, it's been ages" A female voice replied at the other end

      "Perhaps it has" I answered, still trying to figure out who it was.

      "na wa for you, you no dey even find person sef" She said

      "Sorry, but you lost before?" I asked sarcastically, but still clueless as to her identity.

      "Haba, guess you don't know who this is?" she asked.

      "No I have no idea"

      "Wow, your crush, Bose, remember?" She asked. Yeah! I remembered who she was, one crush that took three days to reply a simple "hi", a lady whom I crushed on for over a year and never met, pretty long story, anyway, one day my senses came back, and then she ceased to exist- good riddance.

      "Oh, it is you" I replied

      "Yes ooo, you just forgot about me" She said. Really? All the while I was crushing and chatting, she had never called my number.

      "Sorry, I''ve been busy" I hoped she sensed the fact that I wasn't interested in her or the convo.

      "I''ve missed you ooo" She said. Selah!!! What did she say?

      "Sorry, the network's acting up, I barely heard what you said" I needed to be sure I heard right.

      "Oh I said I''ve missed you" She replied. That was like saying "open sesame" to the padlock of my heart.

      "Bose, I missed you more, I felt..." I was about to explain when she cut me short.

      "I'm so bored, Papi where are you?" She asked

      "I'm at home dear" I answered with a wide grin on my face

      "Baby I'm so bored, let's hang out" She said. A call from a long time crush, crush says she missed me, crush calls me "baby". It was all happening way too fast

      "Yeah, we really should hook up- hang out" I replied

      "Baby where do you suggest we hang out?" She asked. That was the second "baby" in less than a minute. Wow!!! Perhaps the witches from my village had decided to hands off my case.

      "Boo, you pick a spot" I said

      "Okay baby, how 'bout at ICM, do movies, then chill out or head to your place or something" She replied. Now this wasn't just fast, more like supersonic, head to my place? Awesome!!!

      "It’s fine by me" I said.

      "Oh lovely, so baby come pick me up, I'm at V.G.C. When you come, we''ll have to drop my cousin off at magodo, pick stuff up at opebi, then we''ll have the rest of the day to ourselves. It''ll be fun I promise" She added.

I looked at my phone, then I had the angel-demon-on-shoulders moment, "...head to your place" kept resounding.

      "Bose boo, I''ve got six words, one hashtag for you" I said.

      "What's that dear?" She asked.

      "ain't nobody got fuel for that." I said, and then hung up.

That was the real "good riddance to bad rubbish", fuel scarcity makes people want to play a fast one on you, now isn't that madness???

I took out a novel to read, then my phone rang again, I wondered whether people suddenly realized I existed.

      "yeah hello"

      "Papiiiii!!!!"

      "Mamiii!!!!

      "hehehe, how are you dear?"

      "Ijelove, I'm good oo, you?" I asked

      "I'm good too, hope you've not forgotten tomorrow?"

      "Tomorrow?" I asked

      "yes, tomorrow, the wedding, Dolly's wedding" She answered. Wow!!! I totally forgot.

      "Oh, that, no I didn't forget."

      "Liar, anyway I''ll crash at your crib tonight, so it'll be easier for us, you won't have to come pick me first, to conserve fuel"

      "Okay Ijeoma, something came up, see you later"

      "byeeee"

Now I needed to go hustle that fuel, one thing was certain, one way or the other, I had to get back with fuel.

I took a risk and drove down to the petrol station with two 50 liter gallons,

I was determined to get fuel at any cost, at the station, the queue was frightening & discouraging, but it wasn't enough to deter me, I joined the car queue, then took a gallon to put in the gallon queue. There were four different queues: the four wheeled vehicle queue, the keke (tricycle) queue, the okada (bike) queue and finally, the gallon queue. I didn’t understand why the queues were so peaceful and organized, you know, it was so unlike Lagosians, so abnormal, then I saw the reason, Alas! There was military presence and it’s a known fact that you would never ever want to contest madness with a Nigerian soldier- never!

After the soldiers left, things became “normal” again, yeah! “Normal”, madness is a norm for the people of Lagos. The whole place was rowdy as expected, fights here and there, bikes coming to queue from the opposite direction, car owners angry that the attendants were paying more attention to the gallon users than other customers. Right in my presence someone came to put his gallon before mine.

      “You can’t do that” I said.

      “Do wetin, na me get this three gallons” he replied, pointing to some gallons before mine. Unfortunately for the dude, the owners of the gallons were right beside me; I asked the dude a simple question.

      “Okay, where are the covers?” I asked

      “Which cover? I no dey use cover” he answered. Then the real owners of the gallons stepped in, one of them flung the dude’s gallon away, a fight was about to start, being the gentleman that I was, I stepped away. After queuing for about 4 hours, few gallons to mine & two cars to my car, the fuel attendants said their generator had packed up and as such would not be able to sell fuel until it was fixed the next day, many of us refused to believe that report, it was too heartbreaking to believe, so a lot of us stayed back for like an hour, then we got a reality check, we were not really getting fuel till the next day. Then someone beckoned to me from the mart, I went in.

      “How much fuel do you need?” he asked

      “You work here?” I asked

      “Don’t worry, you don’t need the fuel, let me call someone else” he said

      “Wait! Wait! I need about 100 liters” I said. He looked at me with raised eyebrows

      “Are you serious?” he asked. In this situation, who jokes with something as serious as this

      “Yes, my car is on the queue, I have a 50 liter gallon in it and another 50 liter gallon on the gallon queue” I replied

      “Wow, Oga you dey vex ooo, 100 liters, that’s 20k” he replied

      “20k!!! Haba” I exclaimed, that was too much.

      “Oga, today I’ve sold at 300 naira per liter, now I’m giving you  at 200 and you’re complaining, come back tomorrow and join the queue na” He said.

After pleading, he finally agreed to give me for 150 naira per liter, he told me to go wait around my car, few minutes later an attendant came to collect my gallons, a while later he came back with my full gallons. I thought about topping my car’s tank there, but the faces I saw staring at me didn’t look friendly, so I dismissed the thought and maneuvered out of the queue, home bound, happy and feeling like a million gallons of fuel.

I got home to meet Ijeoma waiting outside, alright, let’s get something straight, Ijeoma isn’t my girlfriend, she’s like a “sisterly bestie” and I could go to any length for her, and sleep overs were a regular thing, if you’re wondering if stuff went down between us, all I’ll tell you is “keep wondering”. Now that we have that settled, let’s proceed

      “Yaaay!!! Papiiiiiii!!!!” She shouted

      “Yo! Mamiiiii!!!!” I called back

      “hey booboo, how are you?” She asked

      “Well asides being exhausted from hustling fuel, I’m good” I answered

      “This fuel thing ehnn,, my car has been parked for more than a week now” she said

      “I’m tired, let’s go in”

      “Papi”

      “yes”

      “What did you cook?” She asked. Wow! Honestly I hadn’t thought of that.

      “Nothing, I prefer your cooking to mine, so I thought it best to wait for you.” I answered with a grin.

      “Naughty you, you better go and marry, it’s your mate that’s getting married tomorrow” She added. They keep telling me to get married, like getting married is child’s play.

The rest of the evening passed, it was really good to have Ije around, there was never a dull moment with her around, and she always had funny stories to tell and bla-bla-bla!!!

Next day came, we travelled down to Ibadan for the wedding, the ceremony was on a totally different level of madness, but we shall not digress into that today, but be rest assured, Nigeria wedding receptions are just so – never mind. After the wedding we found our way back home, trust the madness of Lagos traffic, I dropped Ijeoma off at her apartment, then headed to mine. I got home and was too tired to eat or take my clothes off, so I dozed off.

Sunday came and I went to church, one thing I noticed was that almost everyone came with big bags, I began to wonder whether the Pastor gave a special instruction the previous Sunday, I saw the reason behind the big bags after the service, everyone came with one thing or the other to charge, I’m very certain if they had electric cars, they would have brought those too. I saw a particular brother packing two bags.

     “Hey brother T, I see this thing hit you more than everyone else” I said

     “No ooo, I’m just helping people charge their things” he answered.

     “So this is how the President wants to leave the office?”I added, and that was the password to get brother T ranting.

     “Papi, what do you mean?, he has done nothing wrong” he defended

     “Really? so you’re saying Nigeria is okay the way it is?” I asked.

     “Yes, Nigeria is very okay” He said.

     “You’re in front of the altar and you’re not being sincere to yourself” I added.

     “See Papi, I don’t know about you, but Nigeria is very okay for me.” He replied. This was someone that came with multiples of everything to charge, he even came with two extensions, three adapters, power banks that looked like mini transformers, laptops, phones, universal chargers, phones, rechargeable lamps etc. Arguing with him would be pointless, if you argue with a mad man, you’re in yourself- mad.

With these experiences of mine, I hope I have been able to empirically make it evident to you that madness is relative, if you do not agree, please drop your comments.