Papi - Owambe

Change is dynamic, one minute you're addressed as "President", the next minute, change adds a prefix to your status, then you become "Ex-President", one minute you're in the "Presidential Villa", the next minute, change adds a prefix & suffix and sends you on your way to "Ex-President's Villa-ge", from "Ah Sow Rock" to "Oh 2 Okay", safe to say life is full of transitions. -sigh- "There is God ooo."
Now imagine the type of "owambe"(party) Lady Faka Macbeth would have thrown if things had worked out as they had planned, it would have been epic. Talking about "owambes", I just remembered the first owambe I ever attended, thanks to Tolu & Adaeze that dragged me along.
It was a cool saturday morning, I was dreaming, and in that dream, I was alone but could hear the chatter of Tolu, Adaeze & Ekaette, I looked around but saw no one, but I could distinctly hear them like they were beside me, wait a minute!, I opened one eye and saw Adaeze laying beside me and staring, I was shocked, I wanted to roll off, then I hit someone, I turned to find Tolu laying on the other side, first impulse was to jump out of bed, I had already made to jump when I remembered my new habit of sleeping naked, leaving the bed at that moment was a no-no, remaining in the sheets till they left was the only solution. The look on my face must have been priceless because they just couldn't stop laughing.
      "Oh my God, Papi you need to see your face" Tolu said, amidst laughter
      "You people disrupted my coochiepooh's dream" Adaeze added
      "Papiloooo, Legend Of The Sleeper" that was Ekaette talking
      "Good morning" I mumbled
      "Morning baby boo, oya go back to sleep, my Papi" Adaeze said, as she rubbed my chest, the touch was like a spark plug in a combustion engine, it sent more blood to a particular part of my body -alright- let's not digress.
      "Ada, wetin happen ehnn?, you wan dey privatize Papi?, abeg he's OUR Papi, not your Papi abi Ekaette?" Tolu.
      "Oh yes, he's our Papi" Ekaette responded.
      "Okay we'll take turns with him, now you both can leave, I want to have some alone time with Papi" Adaeze said, still rubbing my chest & going further down. As expected, my facial expression gave me away again, they laughed.
      "Oh Papi, you're so adorable" Adaeze said
      "Ada, what time are we living for the owambe?"
      "That's true ooo, let's leave at 10 or 11" Ada replied
      "I think 10 is better, because traffic, Ekaette are you coming?" Tolu asked
      "Nah, got stuff to do at home" Ekaette replied
      "Na wa for you ooo, when last did you step out of the gate?" Tolu asked Ekaette
      "See cream chic like you, always indoor" Adaeze added
      "Don't mind her, one of these days I'll drag you out" Tolu said
      "Hehehehe, please ooo, let Papi go with you" Ekaette said pointing at me, she always did that.
      "Papi's case is signed, he's our official bodyguard, where we go, he goes" Tolu said
      "My own Papi is not your bodyguard" Adaeze said
      "Okay Ma, her royal majesty has spoken, anyway, Papi, we are leaving at 10 and its already quarter to 9" Tolu said
      "Tolu, when Jaiye gisted me, she made my mouth water with what she said the caterers were serving, plenty to eat & drink" Adaeze
      "If you know how long I've been craving party rice ehnnn" Tolu added.
I had an issue at first, what the hell was "owambe"?, but when I heard the food part the meaning of "owambe" became insignificant, there was a natural bond between food & I, that bond could be termed "True Love".
I was ready at 9:30am, I didn't even have breakfast because "plenty to eat & drink" kept reverberating in my head, finally the ladies were set and they looked so beautiful in native attire, same fabric prints but different sewing, one would have thought as they stepped out, we would leave immediately, but Ekaette brought the idea of taking selfies and that took another 20 minutes "ladies & selfies" -rme-
      "Papi, next week, I'm teaching you how to drive, we can't have a man and I'll be driving everytime" Tolu said as we drove out of the compound enroute "Owambe", for some funny reason I felt really excited, scratch that! It wasn't a funny reason, rather it was a "plenty to eat & drink" reason.
We got to the venue, an events center and from the gate I was looking for a signpost that read "Owambe" but didn't see any, I saw a lot of people wear the same prints as Tolu & Adaeze, then I thought perhaps "Owambe" was a type of "August Meeting". Tolu & Adaeze kept exchanging pleasantries with different people as we made our way through the crowd, at some point I lost sight of Tolu & Adaeze because I followed someone else whom I thought was Tolu, by the time I realized she wasn't Tolu, it was late, the hall was full, every seat was taken except one lone seat at a corner, and that was where I sat throughout, then I studied my environment, I noticed there were different uniforms, sections & what I thought was a type of "August Meeting" was in fact a wedding reception. There were four sections, a section with a sign that read "Groom's Family", another with the sign "Bride's Family", the third sign "Groom's Friends" & the last "Bride's Friends", the four different groups had different uniforms too, so from what Tolu & Adaeze wore, they belonged to the "Bride's Friends" group. My phone rang -Tolu-
      "Hello Tolu"
      "Papi where did you go to?" Tolu asked
      "No where, you people disappeared, then I followed the wrong person thinking it was you" I answered.
      "Haba Papi, u don look woman go, are you inside?"
      "Yes" I replied
      "Where?" She asked
      "Beside the right AC at the back" I answered
      "Come and sit with us na, that place is not good" Tolu said, I stood up then noticed I was really out of place with what I wore, and walking around would attract attention, so I stayed put.
      "No, thanks, I'm fine here" I replied
      "You sure?"
      "Yeah"
      "Okay ooo" Tolu replied then hung up.
I continued studying my environment, most especially the ladies and I was able to arrive at the conclusion that makeup had evolved from "Make-Up" to "Make-Over" & finally "Make-Away", yes "Make-Away", that's when "Make-Over" is taken to the extreme, with the face a whole different tone from the rest of the body, grotesquely drawn eyebrows, artificial eyelashes almost 1inch long, face looking as smooth as silk while the rest of the body looked shrivelled. Now you have an idea what "Make-Away" is, I also noticed a competition, a cleavage packaging & showing competition, you want to ask who were competing, it was old women who must have been milked over and over again versus young ladies who -shrugs- well, you never know, but I prefered to see the young ladies' wares than the old women. Opposite where I sat were a group of women, and all they did was chatter and judge who was well dressed and who wasn't, they all had things in common, they were all big (size), at some point in their life they were dark, now they were light-skinned, their make-ups were evolutionary (more like make-aways), their cleavage packing/showing skills made one wonder if they were married & their husbands allowed them leave home that way and they chewed gum like goats chewing the cud (No offence to gum chewers) and finally they all sat at the same table, talk about birds of a feather flocking together. Then there were some young ladies who left you wondering if they had pins in their bums that prevented them from sitting or were they just attention seekers? When some walked, with your third eye you could see the peacock's tail spread behind them as they strutted about, the guys came for either booze, food & women, all other things didn't really matter to them.
There I was seated and anticipating the "plenty to eat and drink" part of the ceremony, the hunger was real, my phone rang again -Adaeze-
      "Papi, boo where are you?" Adaeze asked
      "At the back, beside the right AC" I replied
      "Okay, I'm coming"
I looked up and saw Adaeze making her way to where I was, she was breathtakingly pretty, majestic & graceful in her strides, knowing her & having a crush on her was a major achievement for me.
      "Awww, my sugarplum is alone, come here" Adaeze said as we hugged
      "Why didn't you join us?" She asked, I looked at myself from head to toe, she understood.
      "It doesn't matter, you should have been with us, now there's no space again" She said
      "Its okay, I'm cool here" I replied
      "Oya I need to update my instagram, snap me dear" She said, I snapped her, we snapped us, she snapped us while she kissed my cheek.
      "Is that okay?" I asked
      "Yeah, oya hug me before I go back" She said, I hugged and over her shoulder I could see those women's attention locked on us, one of them gave me the thumbsup sign while pointing at Adaeze's bum and gesturing that it was big, oh! yes I don't think I've talked about her bum before, it always had some effect on people old and young, male and female, Adaeze's bum was simply amazing, better still, amazingly lovely.
Adaeze went back to join Tolu, while I resumed my perimeter scanning, one of the women looked at me and bat her 1inch eyelashes at me, she looked well above fifty years old, it felt disgusting, to further aggravate my already disgusted self, she used her two hands to weigh her breasts then blew a kiss at me, the sight almost made me retch. To avoid stories that touched, I repositioned my seat. Finally the time I had been waiting for had come, the "plenty to eat & drink" time, I was shocked at the way well-dressed people were jostling for food and drinks, while some ate one type of food once, some ate different types in multiples & others just picked the pieces of meat & abandoned the food, some women came with polythene bags to pour food and take home, some of them claimed it was for their dogs. I just watched and that was how I watching till they stopped serving & not once did any of the servers as much as look in my direction, you know how it feels when you're belly is groaning because hunger and there are delicacies around you, people are eating but there's nothing for you? that's how I felt, no food, no drink- not even water, I had to pinch myself to be sure I was not a ghost. It was time to share souvenirs, I was bypassed again even a souvenir as small as a box of matches didn't get to me, then something hit me, I looked, it was a box of matches, I looked at the direction from where it came, one of the women gestured that I kept it. At least I got a box of matches from the much anticipated owambe.
On our way home, Tolu and Adaeze kept asking if I had fun and enjoyed myself, I was too hungry to talk, so I told them I would gist them when we got home, soon as we got home, even before undressing and taking a bathe, I went straight to the Kitchen, Ekaette as always took care of my "stomach infrastructure", then I narrated my experience to them, I told them every detail. They laughed, I wondered what was funny, then Tolu reminded me how I had turned her offer to sit with them down, after their analysis, I learned two very important things, one, if you're going for/to any "owambe" in Lagos and you cannot jostle or ask for food, eat well before you leave your house and two, never wear anything other than a native attire to an "owambe" or you'll be treated like an outcast or a ghost, as in no food or souvenir for you, they'll bypass you with everything.
      "So wey the matches wey you get?" Ekaette asked, I reached into my pocket, got the matches & dropped it on the table, Tolu picked it up
      "Why's it so light?" Tolu asked
      "Open am na" Adaeze said, Tolu opened it and to our astonishment there was not a single matchstick in it, just a folded piece of paper, Tolu unfolded it and what was written inside was "Sweet bobo, 080*******9, call me" the three ladies couldn't contain their laughter.
      "Hahahaha, Papi has found a cougar" Tolu said
      "Sugar Mami for Papi" Adaeze said.
Lesson learned, that was my experience at my first owambe in Lagos, becoming a Lagos bobo is hard.
                              SAI PAPI!!!