Valentine's Day Skit
This is a true life story that may have happened or hasn't happened yet, but can, will & may happen one day to one dude out there, you really want to question how it is a true life story and it hasn't happened yet? No you don't.
I met Vyonne (See, we fought over this name very much when I called her Yvonne instead of Vyonne, so please comply too) on one of these online social platforms, twitter precisely, we were just followers, guys, you know how it feels when a female with a pretty avi tells you "hi dear, kindly follow back", then you're grinning from ear to ear and already strategizing how to "catch the fish" and after countless number of unretweeted/unreplied mentions & DMs (Direct Messages), you just give up. One day, one thing leads to another and you see her flying into your DM. Such was the case of Vyonne, I cannot remember what, all I remember is I got a twitter DM notification, opened it and voila, Vyonne had landed in my DM, I felt like I had won a lottery, but I played it very cool because I didn't want it to seem like I was in a hurry to bring her to BBM. I noticed having a one-on-one chat with Vyonne was the most boring thing on earth to do, as far as I was concerned the only interesting thing about her was the way she related with others on her TL (Timeline), but at that point it didn't matter, in fact I treated her like a goddess, we were restricted to mentions & DMs for a while, then one fine day, she said she would be off for a while because she didn't have money to subscribe, like a boss, I asked what network she was using, she told me then asked "why" (like for real? Who does that? I mean, you tell a guy, you can't subscribe due lack of funds, he asks your network & you ask why- to plant corn perhaps pffft!!!) I told her I wanted to help & she turned down my offer, oh yes she did turn down my offer, well, that was till she had a rethink five minutes later, she then accepted, "Quickteller" came to my rescue, I topped her call credit up with double the amount she needed (some guys are nice like that, it is not a case of "Magarism"). Long story short, she subscribed, called to thank me, then sent her BBM pin.
Vyonne was a jobless graduate ( I do not mean this in a derogatory way, she was a graduate that didn't have a job), and she was always at home. When she came to my BBM, oh my God, I saw an advanced level of an extremely boring Vyonne, I compared the way she was on her twitter TL to the way she was on BBM, I could swear they were two very different people. I would send Vyonne an IM in the morning, she would either read & never reply or read & reply in the night or two days later, ask her why "I am busy" (abeg person wey no get work, wey dey dey house 24/7, wetin he dey busy do from morning til next day, everyday?), still I wasn't perturbed, I had already invested a lot of time to see everything go down the drain plus I heard some ladies liked guys that were persistent. One day I posted my instagram handle on my PM to increase my follower count, next I saw was an IM from Vyonne.
Vyonne:
Wow, didn't knw u were so cute
Papi:
Lol
Vyonne:
U seem to hang out a lot with celebs.
Bla bla bla!!! And that's how we started real unending convos, those convos where when your battery's going down, your running around with your charger looking for where there's power, those convos that do not end for days, I felt on top of the world (I think Imagine Dragon's "I'm On Top Of The World" was my favorite track then), she would ask for my pictures, I would send, when I asked for her own, she sent the same one she used on her twitter avi, then I asked for her facebook & instagram, she said she wasn't into those, so she didn't have accounts (Wow & she had a twitter account with lots of followers, I was too enchanted by that her one pic to start snooping around- mumu button).
14th February was around the corner, so she suggested we meet, being the introverted hermit that I was, I suggested we met at my place, she said better still, we could see a movie at the cinema, eat pizza, then chill at my place. I loved the idea.
The day came, we met at Ikeja City Mall, in that avi she was very fine, but the Vyonne I saw real life made want to ask if she was the Aunt, she had heavy make up, her upper chest region fighting to be let out- let me not even go into her real description. We ordered pizza & got talking, her phone was a hotline, while we were there, two of her friends who were supposedly shopping ( I didn't see anything they bought, no bag, no nylon) came to join us, that meant more pizza & drinks, I overheard the two friends tell another friend over the phone where they were, minutes later, two more ladies joined us & that meant even more pizza & drinks ( Like say na party I dey do, but shame no let me complain, make I no disgrace myself ) and all of them kept saying how cute I was, how they had heard much about me and all that bullshit. The thought of ditching them crossed my mind a million times.
We went upstairs to see a movie, Vyonne's friends followed ( like flies following--- nevermind, 'twas annoying though), like a gentleman, I paid their tickets, we were seeing "50 Shades Of Grey" ( I should comment about the movie, but no).
Movie done, we made to go home, her friends finally left us, as I drove out of the parking lot, I asked Vyonne if she didn't want to go home, she insisted she wanted to go to my place then leave later, I looked at her again, she wasn't that bad, I remembered the movie we had just seen and imagined myself as Christian Grey, and Vyonne as Anastasia Steele, I smiled at the images forming in my head, then -BANG!!!- I hit the car in front of me. I do not want to go into details of what transpired, but should you get involved with a Nigerian soldier, please speak plain simple english, all I said was "Hope you're not mad" (to mean- "hope you're not angry"), I got two slaps that live forever in my heart.
After begging & settling with the soldier, Vyonne & I continued the journey to my place, when we got home, I started eating bananas & drinking soya milk in preparation for some "50 Shades Of Papi" action (without the BDSM though), we talked & talked & laughed & talked, but none of the talk was leading to -you know what- we continued talking till she said
"Please where's your toilet?" I directed her, then I saw her take something from her bag -Always Sanitary Pad-
Buzzkill, killJoy, ValentineKill, MoodKill etc
HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
I met Vyonne (See, we fought over this name very much when I called her Yvonne instead of Vyonne, so please comply too) on one of these online social platforms, twitter precisely, we were just followers, guys, you know how it feels when a female with a pretty avi tells you "hi dear, kindly follow back", then you're grinning from ear to ear and already strategizing how to "catch the fish" and after countless number of unretweeted/unreplied mentions & DMs (Direct Messages), you just give up. One day, one thing leads to another and you see her flying into your DM. Such was the case of Vyonne, I cannot remember what, all I remember is I got a twitter DM notification, opened it and voila, Vyonne had landed in my DM, I felt like I had won a lottery, but I played it very cool because I didn't want it to seem like I was in a hurry to bring her to BBM. I noticed having a one-on-one chat with Vyonne was the most boring thing on earth to do, as far as I was concerned the only interesting thing about her was the way she related with others on her TL (Timeline), but at that point it didn't matter, in fact I treated her like a goddess, we were restricted to mentions & DMs for a while, then one fine day, she said she would be off for a while because she didn't have money to subscribe, like a boss, I asked what network she was using, she told me then asked "why" (like for real? Who does that? I mean, you tell a guy, you can't subscribe due lack of funds, he asks your network & you ask why- to plant corn perhaps pffft!!!) I told her I wanted to help & she turned down my offer, oh yes she did turn down my offer, well, that was till she had a rethink five minutes later, she then accepted, "Quickteller" came to my rescue, I topped her call credit up with double the amount she needed (some guys are nice like that, it is not a case of "Magarism"). Long story short, she subscribed, called to thank me, then sent her BBM pin.
Vyonne was a jobless graduate ( I do not mean this in a derogatory way, she was a graduate that didn't have a job), and she was always at home. When she came to my BBM, oh my God, I saw an advanced level of an extremely boring Vyonne, I compared the way she was on her twitter TL to the way she was on BBM, I could swear they were two very different people. I would send Vyonne an IM in the morning, she would either read & never reply or read & reply in the night or two days later, ask her why "I am busy" (abeg person wey no get work, wey dey dey house 24/7, wetin he dey busy do from morning til next day, everyday?), still I wasn't perturbed, I had already invested a lot of time to see everything go down the drain plus I heard some ladies liked guys that were persistent. One day I posted my instagram handle on my PM to increase my follower count, next I saw was an IM from Vyonne.
Vyonne:
Wow, didn't knw u were so cute
Papi:
Lol
Vyonne:
U seem to hang out a lot with celebs.
Bla bla bla!!! And that's how we started real unending convos, those convos where when your battery's going down, your running around with your charger looking for where there's power, those convos that do not end for days, I felt on top of the world (I think Imagine Dragon's "I'm On Top Of The World" was my favorite track then), she would ask for my pictures, I would send, when I asked for her own, she sent the same one she used on her twitter avi, then I asked for her facebook & instagram, she said she wasn't into those, so she didn't have accounts (Wow & she had a twitter account with lots of followers, I was too enchanted by that her one pic to start snooping around- mumu button).
14th February was around the corner, so she suggested we meet, being the introverted hermit that I was, I suggested we met at my place, she said better still, we could see a movie at the cinema, eat pizza, then chill at my place. I loved the idea.
The day came, we met at Ikeja City Mall, in that avi she was very fine, but the Vyonne I saw real life made want to ask if she was the Aunt, she had heavy make up, her upper chest region fighting to be let out- let me not even go into her real description. We ordered pizza & got talking, her phone was a hotline, while we were there, two of her friends who were supposedly shopping ( I didn't see anything they bought, no bag, no nylon) came to join us, that meant more pizza & drinks, I overheard the two friends tell another friend over the phone where they were, minutes later, two more ladies joined us & that meant even more pizza & drinks ( Like say na party I dey do, but shame no let me complain, make I no disgrace myself ) and all of them kept saying how cute I was, how they had heard much about me and all that bullshit. The thought of ditching them crossed my mind a million times.
We went upstairs to see a movie, Vyonne's friends followed ( like flies following--- nevermind, 'twas annoying though), like a gentleman, I paid their tickets, we were seeing "50 Shades Of Grey" ( I should comment about the movie, but no).
Movie done, we made to go home, her friends finally left us, as I drove out of the parking lot, I asked Vyonne if she didn't want to go home, she insisted she wanted to go to my place then leave later, I looked at her again, she wasn't that bad, I remembered the movie we had just seen and imagined myself as Christian Grey, and Vyonne as Anastasia Steele, I smiled at the images forming in my head, then -BANG!!!- I hit the car in front of me. I do not want to go into details of what transpired, but should you get involved with a Nigerian soldier, please speak plain simple english, all I said was "Hope you're not mad" (to mean- "hope you're not angry"), I got two slaps that live forever in my heart.
After begging & settling with the soldier, Vyonne & I continued the journey to my place, when we got home, I started eating bananas & drinking soya milk in preparation for some "50 Shades Of Papi" action (without the BDSM though), we talked & talked & laughed & talked, but none of the talk was leading to -you know what- we continued talking till she said
"Please where's your toilet?" I directed her, then I saw her take something from her bag -Always Sanitary Pad-
Buzzkill, killJoy, ValentineKill, MoodKill etc
HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
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