Papi In The Bank.
Lagos is a very wonderful place with wonderful people, even the mad people are wonderful, so wonderful that they live like normal people, please tell me how and why a normal human being will buy 1 pure water (y'all remember Odunlade Adekola in Opa Kan- "pure water 5 naira, 5 naira"- emphasis on 5 naira) and present a five hundred naira note. Anyway today's not for talking about the mad peoples of Lagos, that's an exclusive for another time.
Tolu's birthday ended on a happy note, I slept better than a baby & if you think I saw Adaeze in my dream, then you need to have a rethink because I didn't even dream. Monday morning came, I woke then stayed in bed a while, thinking about my experience the previous day, the lift, escalator, big screen, hot dog, Adaeze, Adaeze's kiss on my cheek- I smiled, that was sweet, tuesday which was the next day felt like a year away, I just couldn't wait to see Adaeze my crush. My mind went back to the hotdog, the thing tasted good ooo, what I didn't understand was why it was called hotdog if it wasn't dog meat, perhaps Tolu was kidding when she said it wasn't dog eat, whatever! If it was dog meat, then it sure tasted good. I got up and did what I was supposed to do, then prepared for the day's outing, breakfast was served, all thanks to our one & only ever hardworking Ekaette.
"Papi Papilo, morning dear" Ekaette greeted
"Daalu nwanyi mara mma, asampete, nwanyi oma" I replied
"Hahaha, Papi mbok, I sabi ibo ooo, no wyn me ooo" Ekaette said while laughing
"I ma na Ukwu gi sarambara, in fact ukwu gi bu jimjim"
"Well done oo, ukwu sabalabalaba, na why you fall for escalator be that, you look ukwu climb opposite escalator" and there was Tolu right behind me, she always sneaked up on me- okay, that's an exaggeration, that was only the second time.
"Good morning Mad... Tot.. Sorry, Tolu" I greeted
"Morning dear, sleep well?, I see you're ready for the day, so we'll head to the bank first before the supermarket"
"Okay"
"Ekaette my person, thanks for making my day yesterday, I'm grateful"
"Haba Tolu, its nothing, you've been very good to me, that was the least I could do"
"I appreciate, so what's for breakfast?, this one wey Papi dey look like person wey wan faint"
"Bread, eggs, tea/cofffee... Papi oya sidon" finally, breakfast was served, my love for food inspired my quote "True love is the love that exists therein betwixt man & food"- Papi AD419. And so it was that we headed to the bank after breakfast, I had never been to a bank before (If you as much as smile or escalate to laugh, I'll drain your bank accounts), at the bank, you know that special detector you have to go through to get inside the bank (I know you're waiting to laugh at me here, sorry, you have waited in vain), Tolu tried a thousand and one times, but couldn't get through, I tried it once and went through like a boss, the thing even told me "Welcome" or was it "Well done" I'd like to think it was the latter. Finally Tolu came through, she filled the deposit slip & just handed it over to me with a pen & the cash then disappeared, but she didn't tell me how I was to pay. Na so I stand dey look, many people, different queues, no clue. At that moment I must have been "World's Most Confused" so I walked up to a security personel.
"Good morning Sir, I want to pay money"
"Go to that box" he said pointing to a box on a counter & looking away, that answer wasn't satisfying, was I supposed to put the money in the box
"Oga, should I put the money in the box?" I asked (If you laugh at my innocence or call it stupidity, I will find you & I will deal with you).
"Mr. Man just go there" He answered angrily, quietly I walked to the box & saw a bank teller.
"Go and join the queue" the bank teller without waiting to even to hear what I had to say, I joined the queue.
"Please borrow me your biro" One guy requested, I gave him & that was the last time I saw the guy & the pen.
"I'm behind you" One lady said then went to sit down.
"I'm behind you" another lady told me, I pointed at the one sitting, she went to sit too
"I'm behind you" a third lady, I just pointed at the other two seated, those ones were too engrossed in whatever they were doing on their phones, they didn't even look up.
"Please I'm behind you, let me fill this slip there" a fourth person, a guy this time around, I didn't say anything, when it was my turn, I was attended to by a rather grumpy lady, then argument broke out between the "I'm behind you" people.
"I was hear before you"
"No you weren't, I saw when you walked in"
"I was here before you both, ask him" pointing in my direction, all I did was point at the first lady & then performed the wonderful act of unlooking, just then I saw Tolu- time to go.
We left the bank and headed for the supermarket, at least I learned important lessons at the bank, there are four types of mad people in a bank: 1. The annoying security personnel that'll tell you "go to that box" rather than "go meet that person behind the box", 2. The ones that'll borrow your pen and disappear with it, 3. The "I'm behind you" people that won't ask "are you the last person?", then go and sit down and press their phones & finally 4. The annoying bank teller that makes you wonder if you look like her ex or have the same name with her ex, or in the case of a male bank teller, if you look like the guy that collected his girlfriend. Be very wary of these people.
There wasn't much activity at the supermarket other than attending to customers as usual.
"Papi, I want to get to Debonairs', shey you will eat pizza?" Tolu asked.
"Yes, yes" I answered, its not like I knew what pizza was, I had only seen it on TV, I didn't even know if I was going to like it or not.
"Papi Papiii, I trust you, you have my number? If there's anything, just call me"
"I don't even have a phone" I answered
"You're kidding right?"
"I'm not, I'm serious" I replied
"In this century? Papi? Did you time-travel into this future?" Tolu asked with bewilderment, I just shrugged, I never really thought about it.
"Okay Papi, remind me when I get back home, if anything comes up, use the supermarket phone to flash this number" she said as she scribbled her number on a piece of paper.
"Alright"
"I'll be back soon" She said as she stepped out of the supermarket.
"Bye"
After she left, I attended to more customers, hours had gone by, Tolu had still not returned, was I to flash her to check or not, waited few more hours then flashed, she called back immediately.
"Hello Papi, what's up?" Tolu responded, from the way she sounded, I could tell she was trying to catch her breathe.
"It's almost closing time, should I wait for you or go home?" I asked
"Baby who's that?, drop the phone, let's continue jooo, this thing is going down already" A male voice said in the background.
"Papi sorry dear, I had to branch somewhere else, you don't have to wait for me, I'll meet you at home- I promised you pizza abi"
"Okay, yeah the pizza"
"Alright dear, see you soon Papi" She hung up.
Well, the few intimate times I had spent with Ekaette had taught me a lot, I had a feeling I knew what Tolu was doing that moment & I smiled at the thought.
I got home and narrated my ordeal to my closest friend, Ekaette, as always, she laughed real hard, then I told her about Tolu and the male voice on the phone.
"Hahaha Tolu don go change oil" Ekaette said.
"Change oil?" I asked
"Yes dear Papi, Change oil" she answered with a wink, okay I understood, guess I was correct then.
"Eky, I dey come, make I go baff" I said
"Make I join you?" She asked, wait!- like bathe with me? Wow!!!!
"E be like say hand dey pain me, I no go fit scrub my back, you go help me?"
"Hahahahaha, Papi you no well, go jooo"
Tolu got back much later in the night with pizza and cans of Smirnoff Ice, she seemed all bright and happy, she wasn't as excited as this on her birthday, I'm sure she did more than "change oil", it must have been an "engine overhaul". Osy got a slice of pizza and a drink, Ekaette and I dealt with the rest, other than palm wine, that was the first alcoholic drink I would take (Smirnoff Ice even looked like refined palm wine anyway), I didn't feel the effect till I stood up (we do not want to go into details), Tolu dozed off, Ekaette and I were like a tipsy couple, we dragged ourselves to my room, showered and you can imagine what happened next- we slept, well after engine overhauls and oil changing.
The last thought on my mind before I slept-"Tomorrow's tuesday, my crush is coming"
Tolu's birthday ended on a happy note, I slept better than a baby & if you think I saw Adaeze in my dream, then you need to have a rethink because I didn't even dream. Monday morning came, I woke then stayed in bed a while, thinking about my experience the previous day, the lift, escalator, big screen, hot dog, Adaeze, Adaeze's kiss on my cheek- I smiled, that was sweet, tuesday which was the next day felt like a year away, I just couldn't wait to see Adaeze my crush. My mind went back to the hotdog, the thing tasted good ooo, what I didn't understand was why it was called hotdog if it wasn't dog meat, perhaps Tolu was kidding when she said it wasn't dog eat, whatever! If it was dog meat, then it sure tasted good. I got up and did what I was supposed to do, then prepared for the day's outing, breakfast was served, all thanks to our one & only ever hardworking Ekaette.
"Papi Papilo, morning dear" Ekaette greeted
"Daalu nwanyi mara mma, asampete, nwanyi oma" I replied
"Hahaha, Papi mbok, I sabi ibo ooo, no wyn me ooo" Ekaette said while laughing
"I ma na Ukwu gi sarambara, in fact ukwu gi bu jimjim"
"Well done oo, ukwu sabalabalaba, na why you fall for escalator be that, you look ukwu climb opposite escalator" and there was Tolu right behind me, she always sneaked up on me- okay, that's an exaggeration, that was only the second time.
"Good morning Mad... Tot.. Sorry, Tolu" I greeted
"Morning dear, sleep well?, I see you're ready for the day, so we'll head to the bank first before the supermarket"
"Okay"
"Ekaette my person, thanks for making my day yesterday, I'm grateful"
"Haba Tolu, its nothing, you've been very good to me, that was the least I could do"
"I appreciate, so what's for breakfast?, this one wey Papi dey look like person wey wan faint"
"Bread, eggs, tea/cofffee... Papi oya sidon" finally, breakfast was served, my love for food inspired my quote "True love is the love that exists therein betwixt man & food"- Papi AD419. And so it was that we headed to the bank after breakfast, I had never been to a bank before (If you as much as smile or escalate to laugh, I'll drain your bank accounts), at the bank, you know that special detector you have to go through to get inside the bank (I know you're waiting to laugh at me here, sorry, you have waited in vain), Tolu tried a thousand and one times, but couldn't get through, I tried it once and went through like a boss, the thing even told me "Welcome" or was it "Well done" I'd like to think it was the latter. Finally Tolu came through, she filled the deposit slip & just handed it over to me with a pen & the cash then disappeared, but she didn't tell me how I was to pay. Na so I stand dey look, many people, different queues, no clue. At that moment I must have been "World's Most Confused" so I walked up to a security personel.
"Good morning Sir, I want to pay money"
"Go to that box" he said pointing to a box on a counter & looking away, that answer wasn't satisfying, was I supposed to put the money in the box
"Oga, should I put the money in the box?" I asked (If you laugh at my innocence or call it stupidity, I will find you & I will deal with you).
"Mr. Man just go there" He answered angrily, quietly I walked to the box & saw a bank teller.
"Go and join the queue" the bank teller without waiting to even to hear what I had to say, I joined the queue.
"Please borrow me your biro" One guy requested, I gave him & that was the last time I saw the guy & the pen.
"I'm behind you" One lady said then went to sit down.
"I'm behind you" another lady told me, I pointed at the one sitting, she went to sit too
"I'm behind you" a third lady, I just pointed at the other two seated, those ones were too engrossed in whatever they were doing on their phones, they didn't even look up.
"Please I'm behind you, let me fill this slip there" a fourth person, a guy this time around, I didn't say anything, when it was my turn, I was attended to by a rather grumpy lady, then argument broke out between the "I'm behind you" people.
"I was hear before you"
"No you weren't, I saw when you walked in"
"I was here before you both, ask him" pointing in my direction, all I did was point at the first lady & then performed the wonderful act of unlooking, just then I saw Tolu- time to go.
We left the bank and headed for the supermarket, at least I learned important lessons at the bank, there are four types of mad people in a bank: 1. The annoying security personnel that'll tell you "go to that box" rather than "go meet that person behind the box", 2. The ones that'll borrow your pen and disappear with it, 3. The "I'm behind you" people that won't ask "are you the last person?", then go and sit down and press their phones & finally 4. The annoying bank teller that makes you wonder if you look like her ex or have the same name with her ex, or in the case of a male bank teller, if you look like the guy that collected his girlfriend. Be very wary of these people.
There wasn't much activity at the supermarket other than attending to customers as usual.
"Papi, I want to get to Debonairs', shey you will eat pizza?" Tolu asked.
"Yes, yes" I answered, its not like I knew what pizza was, I had only seen it on TV, I didn't even know if I was going to like it or not.
"Papi Papiii, I trust you, you have my number? If there's anything, just call me"
"I don't even have a phone" I answered
"You're kidding right?"
"I'm not, I'm serious" I replied
"In this century? Papi? Did you time-travel into this future?" Tolu asked with bewilderment, I just shrugged, I never really thought about it.
"Okay Papi, remind me when I get back home, if anything comes up, use the supermarket phone to flash this number" she said as she scribbled her number on a piece of paper.
"Alright"
"I'll be back soon" She said as she stepped out of the supermarket.
"Bye"
After she left, I attended to more customers, hours had gone by, Tolu had still not returned, was I to flash her to check or not, waited few more hours then flashed, she called back immediately.
"Hello Papi, what's up?" Tolu responded, from the way she sounded, I could tell she was trying to catch her breathe.
"It's almost closing time, should I wait for you or go home?" I asked
"Baby who's that?, drop the phone, let's continue jooo, this thing is going down already" A male voice said in the background.
"Papi sorry dear, I had to branch somewhere else, you don't have to wait for me, I'll meet you at home- I promised you pizza abi"
"Okay, yeah the pizza"
"Alright dear, see you soon Papi" She hung up.
Well, the few intimate times I had spent with Ekaette had taught me a lot, I had a feeling I knew what Tolu was doing that moment & I smiled at the thought.
I got home and narrated my ordeal to my closest friend, Ekaette, as always, she laughed real hard, then I told her about Tolu and the male voice on the phone.
"Hahaha Tolu don go change oil" Ekaette said.
"Change oil?" I asked
"Yes dear Papi, Change oil" she answered with a wink, okay I understood, guess I was correct then.
"Eky, I dey come, make I go baff" I said
"Make I join you?" She asked, wait!- like bathe with me? Wow!!!!
"E be like say hand dey pain me, I no go fit scrub my back, you go help me?"
"Hahahahaha, Papi you no well, go jooo"
Tolu got back much later in the night with pizza and cans of Smirnoff Ice, she seemed all bright and happy, she wasn't as excited as this on her birthday, I'm sure she did more than "change oil", it must have been an "engine overhaul". Osy got a slice of pizza and a drink, Ekaette and I dealt with the rest, other than palm wine, that was the first alcoholic drink I would take (Smirnoff Ice even looked like refined palm wine anyway), I didn't feel the effect till I stood up (we do not want to go into details), Tolu dozed off, Ekaette and I were like a tipsy couple, we dragged ourselves to my room, showered and you can imagine what happened next- we slept, well after engine overhauls and oil changing.
The last thought on my mind before I slept-"Tomorrow's tuesday, my crush is coming"
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