Papi goes to church
For fans of "The Boondocks", you know how Grandpa Freeman sings about "new shoes" or "soul plane"- yeah you garrit, that was how I woke up singing "Tuesday", as usual, I did everything I was supposed to do, had a bath, dressed, then went to the kitchen for breakfast, I was about to open the door when I heard Tolu & Ekaette gisting, for some strange "ameboish" (Ameboish is an english word, argue here \___/ ) reason, I stood & was listening.
"Tolu, between yesterday evening & now, you've been sweeter than usual" Ekaette said.
"Hehehehe, na God ooo" Tolu replied
"Ahn ahn, talk true joo"
"True joo" Tolu laughed
"And I wanted to do a red velvet for you, I change my mind" Ekaette teased.
Wait!!! Red velvet? Was Ekaette a tailor too? I continued eavesdropping.
"Red... Wait, you're kidding me abi?" Tolu asked
"No, see the ingredients na"
"Oh my God, what is it you asked me again? I can tell you anything for the red velvet cake"
Red velvet cake? Red velvet is a cake? There's a cake made with fabric? Sunday hotdog, monday pizza, today red velvet cake -sigh-, only God knows what I'll hear tomorrow
"Give me gist about yesterday joo" Ekaette answered
"Hmmm, babe, e don tey, my thing come dey do me tinrinrin tenrenren, you understand na, as a sharp lagos babe, I had to look for a solution" Tolu explained.
"Tell me more"
"Haa Ekaette, the guy was something else, not like that my 2 minutes noodle ex, as in ehnn, he knew all the right places to touch"
When I heard "2 minutes noodle ex", I was lost, whatever did she mean by that? Perhaps noodle was his favorite food, but how can a man choose noodle as his favorite food -shrugs- well I guess some men are just like that. I listened on
"Hehehe, So Papi was right" Ekaette added. Oh no, Ekaette you didn't... Oh no no, why did she involve me ooo???!!!
"Right? Right about what?" Tolu asked
"He knew"
"Knew what?"
"He knew you were being serviced"
"Huh? How?"
"He overheard the guy in the background requesting for some cream, hahahaha" Ekaette answered. Ekaette had just finished me, I couldn't remember putting it in those exact words.
"Oh dear, Papi wey dey do like mumu?" Tolu asked. What? Me? Mumu? Damn! That hurt.
"Papi is no mumu" Ekaette replied
"I didn't say he is, just saying he acts like one sometimes"
"Oh Tolu, you don't know him" Ekaette defended. Bless her soul, she was defending an innocent me.
"This one you're defending him like this, am I missing something?" Tolu asked.
Alright, time to change their discussion, I opened the door and stepped in.
"Speak of the devil, Papilo how far?"
"Good morning Tolu, Eky"
"Morning Papi, how was your night?" Ekaette asked with a wink, sweet Ekaette, like she didn't know the answer to that question.
"Papi that was high yesterday & dancing red indian dance for naija music, dude must have slept one way till this morning" Tolu said. She had no idea, she most definitely had no idea how my night or rather "our" night was.
"Tolu, you said I should remind you about a phone" I said, a good deviation from the previous topic.
"Oh yes, that's true, Ekaette can you imagine, make old bobo like Papi no get phone"
"Hahaha, give am na or buy for am" Ekaette replied
"I'll give him, I have one blackberry that had battery issues, wait, let me go and get it" Tolu said as she left the kitchen.
"Papiii, your own don better" Ekaette said to me.
"Ermm, Eky, I be wan ask you something" I told her
"Go on"
"You dey use clothe make cake?"
"You say?" The look on her face clearly showed she was confused.
"I mean, I hear una dey mention red velvet cake- velvet na cloth na" I explained
"Hahahaha, red velvet na... Wait a minute, you dey do amebo when we dey talk abi- haaaa so you hear everything Papi" Ekaette said, Well, clearly I was busted.
"Leave that one, explain that red velvet thing abeg" I pleaded
"Hehehe, na cake"
"I know say na cake, na the velvet part I no understand" I added
"Oh, na the color and texture" Ekaette explained
"Oh okay" I wasn't sure if I could ask about the "2 minute noodle" thing, what if it meant something else? What other explanation could be there other than it was the man's favorite meal? None perhaps.
"Papi, you be sharp guy, no dey do like say u be mumu for where Tolu dey, show her you're sharp"
"Noted, now can we have breakfast?"
"Hehehe, silly you" Ekaette said.
Breakfast was served, Tolu came back with a blackberry phone that looked so new you would think it was new.
"Papi, here you go, you'll just need to buy a new battery or two- I barely used it, you can see its still new" Tolu said as she handed the phone to me, there I was, a proud owner of a Blackberry Torch (Imagine Dragons' On Top Of The World should be playing in the background here)
"Thank you very much ToTo... Sorry, Tolu" I said while admiring my new phone
"-sigh- you're never dropping the "ToTo" I suppose" Tolu said
"ToTo sounds good though" Ekaette said as she ran off
"Papi let us go before you people do a second naming ceremony for me"
"Hahaha, Papi will be the officiating minister, Pastor Papi go on" Ekaette teased
"This old child shall be called Tolu, Tola, ToTo, To2, 2To, ToSquared" I joked
"Haaa aiye mi, Papi, you abi, oya gimme back my phone" Tolu said
"Your phone is in your handbag Ma"
"The one I just gave you now nko?" Tolu asked
"Can I see your proof of ownership?" I asked, the look on my face was so serious, Ekaette was laughing.
"-sighs- I am tired, let us go, Ekaette see you later, Adaeze will taste your red velvet cake too, she didn't believe you made the one for my birthday"
"Heyyy Adaeze, that your pretty friend, so she's coming today?"
"Yes, she'll stay with us for a while sef" Tolu replied, the mention of "Adaeze" made the butterflies in my belly dance igbo cultural dance
"Oh, sweet, she's your only friend I like" Ekaette said.
"Okay, Papi let us go before Mother Ekaette starts dissecting my friends one after the other" Tolu replied as she dragged me out of the kitchen.
We got to the supermarket, then I left for a while to get my new phone's battery and a new sim card, I got back to the supermarket and kept getting up to see who was stepping through the doors, hoping it would be Adaeze my crush.
Na so I wait reach night, Adaeze no show, then we closed for the day and headed home.
I headed straight to my room to take a shower, my plan was to shower, go collect my dinner and come eat in the room while studying my new phone. Bath done, I just wore a boxer and went to the kitchen, I opened the door, stepped in and got the shock of my life.
"Wow" Tolu & Adaeze said together.
"Hi-llo" That was all I could say because I was torn between saying hi & hello & to worsen the situation, Ekaette was laughing out loud.
"Ermm, sorry, I was working out, wanted to grab a bottle of water..ermm, I'll just go back to what I was doing" I said as I retraced my steps to the door.
"Young man, take one more step & I deal with you." Tolu said
"Tolu stop being a bully" Adaeze said in her sweet voice
"Who does workouts and doesn't sweat?" Tolu asked. Oh shit!!! That lie didn't come out good
"Papi go on, don't mind Tolu, but you do have a hot bod, my oh my... Check those abs out" Adaeze said.
"Papi feel free, don't be shy, we may not rape you" Tolu said with sarcasm & an evil smile, "May", she said "May"-sighs-
"Abeg Papi come sidon chop jare" Ekaette said.
Wasn't easy eating and listening in on female talk, I felt awkward & out of place, each time I tried to get up to leave, Tolu would pull me down to sit. I looked at Adaeze, Ekaette & Tolu, damn! I was in the midst of three beautiful women but as far as I was concerned, Adaeze was the most beautiful, everything about her was sexy from the way her eyes moved to the way she talked, from her smile to her laughter, her hairstyle accentuated her eyes & round face, her chubby cheeks (I could imagine how old people pinched the cheeks when she was younger), she also had a dimpled jaw, in fact she was just the epitome of beauty. Taking my eyes off her was herculean and each time she caught me staring, she would wink and blow kisses, then I would look elsewhere to find Tolu with a smirk on her face.
"Ekaette, wey the red velvet cake?" Tolu asked
"Red velvet cake?" Adaeze asked looking from Tolu to Ekaette
"Yes she said she was gonna make it" Tolu said to Adaeze
"Yeah sorry, I actually wanted Adaeze to be here when I was making, so I'll do it tomorrow" Ekaette replied
"Yippeeee!!! Red velvet tomorrow, see ehnnn, Ekaette you're my bestie now" Adaeze said
"Don't worry, it'll be ready before you guys get back from the supermarket tomorrow" Ekaette added
"Supermarket? Who cares about supermarket- Ekaette baby, na me and you dey house tomorrow, these two do not need me there" Adaeze said pointing at Tolu & Me
"-sigh- Papi can you see that females are not loyal, no worries Papi, we'll go on a Shawarma date" Tolu said.
"No shaking, I dey your side" was my reply even though I had one issue, what in heaven's name was a "Shawarma"? The name was funny, like something you would say when casting a spell or a cuss word or anything, it just sounded funny. Sunday - hotdog, Monday - Pizza, Tuesday - Red Velvet cake, Wednesday - Shawarma, lovely, I was learning new stuff everyday.
"Tolu, you no go wan come house without my own na, you sef know me" Adaeze said
They talked a little more, then we went to answer sleep's call.
Next day Tolu & I went to the supermarket as usual while Adaeze stayed back, after we closed, we did go for a Shawarma date, it was a "Shawarmatic"(Its a future english word, be calm!) experience I loved, we took home for Adaeze, Ekaette & Osy (Y'all have forgotten Osy the gateman, I suppose). That night I saw something that shocked me (your minds are racing, and some of you are thinking it had to do with Adaeze, and the pervs amongst you have taken the thought further), what shocked me was I saw people eat cake with forks (You know my background, don't blame me) it looked & felt weird, but I didn't want to look like a village man, so I did as they did (If you dare call me a village boy, I will deal with you personally) and the red velvet cake was another thing to love.
The rest of the week went with little activity, Thursday, Tolu introduced me to burger & chicken nuggets, Friday, Adaeze introduced me to Smoothies, Saturday, Tolu, Adaeze & Ekaette introduced me to scrabble, Monopoly & Small chops (-singing- mama say mama sa, mama kusa, mama say, mama sa, ma SAMOSA)
On Sunday I was dragged to church on an empty stomach, that was my first time in that church & I had a difficult time concentrating because there were a lot of distractions in female specie form & one wasn't even sure whether it was a church or fashion show, even the female ushers that were supposed to control these distractions were well endowed & their endowments + their carriage were distractions too, when they danced, a lot of wriggling & bouncing upper chest regions everywhere, but I was too hungry to be bothered, then they did the first-timer announcement, one pretty usher looked & smiled at me, making gestures that I should stand up, the hunger in my belly made my unlooking skill epic, then Tolu & Adaeze stood up, now they left me with no choice but to do same, we were taken to some special seats reserved for first timers, front row, where the Preacher could easily use you as an example. The joy in me knew no bounds when we got up to share grace, then they broke my heart again when first-timers were asked to wait behind, then the church touched my soul with a take-away pack of fried rice, chicken & a chilled malt drink. Before the food, if you had asked me "How was service?", I would have hissed, but after food, my story changed (In fact na to dey go church every sunday go do first-timer).
We got back home, had real lunch, then boredom struck Tolu & Adaeze, they decided to go swim & I was dragged along again, a lot of stuff went down at the swimming pool & the memories are stored in the archives of my mind, I cannot categorically tell you everything, it is my Oga at the top that will do that one (Don't ask me who my oga at the top is, 'cause I don't know). I'll tell you some of the things that happened at/in the swimming pool in my next epistle. Cheers!!!
"Tolu, between yesterday evening & now, you've been sweeter than usual" Ekaette said.
"Hehehehe, na God ooo" Tolu replied
"Ahn ahn, talk true joo"
"True joo" Tolu laughed
"And I wanted to do a red velvet for you, I change my mind" Ekaette teased.
Wait!!! Red velvet? Was Ekaette a tailor too? I continued eavesdropping.
"Red... Wait, you're kidding me abi?" Tolu asked
"No, see the ingredients na"
"Oh my God, what is it you asked me again? I can tell you anything for the red velvet cake"
Red velvet cake? Red velvet is a cake? There's a cake made with fabric? Sunday hotdog, monday pizza, today red velvet cake -sigh-, only God knows what I'll hear tomorrow
"Give me gist about yesterday joo" Ekaette answered
"Hmmm, babe, e don tey, my thing come dey do me tinrinrin tenrenren, you understand na, as a sharp lagos babe, I had to look for a solution" Tolu explained.
"Tell me more"
"Haa Ekaette, the guy was something else, not like that my 2 minutes noodle ex, as in ehnn, he knew all the right places to touch"
When I heard "2 minutes noodle ex", I was lost, whatever did she mean by that? Perhaps noodle was his favorite food, but how can a man choose noodle as his favorite food -shrugs- well I guess some men are just like that. I listened on
"Hehehe, So Papi was right" Ekaette added. Oh no, Ekaette you didn't... Oh no no, why did she involve me ooo???!!!
"Right? Right about what?" Tolu asked
"He knew"
"Knew what?"
"He knew you were being serviced"
"Huh? How?"
"He overheard the guy in the background requesting for some cream, hahahaha" Ekaette answered. Ekaette had just finished me, I couldn't remember putting it in those exact words.
"Oh dear, Papi wey dey do like mumu?" Tolu asked. What? Me? Mumu? Damn! That hurt.
"Papi is no mumu" Ekaette replied
"I didn't say he is, just saying he acts like one sometimes"
"Oh Tolu, you don't know him" Ekaette defended. Bless her soul, she was defending an innocent me.
"This one you're defending him like this, am I missing something?" Tolu asked.
Alright, time to change their discussion, I opened the door and stepped in.
"Speak of the devil, Papilo how far?"
"Good morning Tolu, Eky"
"Morning Papi, how was your night?" Ekaette asked with a wink, sweet Ekaette, like she didn't know the answer to that question.
"Papi that was high yesterday & dancing red indian dance for naija music, dude must have slept one way till this morning" Tolu said. She had no idea, she most definitely had no idea how my night or rather "our" night was.
"Tolu, you said I should remind you about a phone" I said, a good deviation from the previous topic.
"Oh yes, that's true, Ekaette can you imagine, make old bobo like Papi no get phone"
"Hahaha, give am na or buy for am" Ekaette replied
"I'll give him, I have one blackberry that had battery issues, wait, let me go and get it" Tolu said as she left the kitchen.
"Papiii, your own don better" Ekaette said to me.
"Ermm, Eky, I be wan ask you something" I told her
"Go on"
"You dey use clothe make cake?"
"You say?" The look on her face clearly showed she was confused.
"I mean, I hear una dey mention red velvet cake- velvet na cloth na" I explained
"Hahahaha, red velvet na... Wait a minute, you dey do amebo when we dey talk abi- haaaa so you hear everything Papi" Ekaette said, Well, clearly I was busted.
"Leave that one, explain that red velvet thing abeg" I pleaded
"Hehehe, na cake"
"I know say na cake, na the velvet part I no understand" I added
"Oh, na the color and texture" Ekaette explained
"Oh okay" I wasn't sure if I could ask about the "2 minute noodle" thing, what if it meant something else? What other explanation could be there other than it was the man's favorite meal? None perhaps.
"Papi, you be sharp guy, no dey do like say u be mumu for where Tolu dey, show her you're sharp"
"Noted, now can we have breakfast?"
"Hehehe, silly you" Ekaette said.
Breakfast was served, Tolu came back with a blackberry phone that looked so new you would think it was new.
"Papi, here you go, you'll just need to buy a new battery or two- I barely used it, you can see its still new" Tolu said as she handed the phone to me, there I was, a proud owner of a Blackberry Torch (Imagine Dragons' On Top Of The World should be playing in the background here)
"Thank you very much ToTo... Sorry, Tolu" I said while admiring my new phone
"-sigh- you're never dropping the "ToTo" I suppose" Tolu said
"ToTo sounds good though" Ekaette said as she ran off
"Papi let us go before you people do a second naming ceremony for me"
"Hahaha, Papi will be the officiating minister, Pastor Papi go on" Ekaette teased
"This old child shall be called Tolu, Tola, ToTo, To2, 2To, ToSquared" I joked
"Haaa aiye mi, Papi, you abi, oya gimme back my phone" Tolu said
"Your phone is in your handbag Ma"
"The one I just gave you now nko?" Tolu asked
"Can I see your proof of ownership?" I asked, the look on my face was so serious, Ekaette was laughing.
"-sighs- I am tired, let us go, Ekaette see you later, Adaeze will taste your red velvet cake too, she didn't believe you made the one for my birthday"
"Heyyy Adaeze, that your pretty friend, so she's coming today?"
"Yes, she'll stay with us for a while sef" Tolu replied, the mention of "Adaeze" made the butterflies in my belly dance igbo cultural dance
"Oh, sweet, she's your only friend I like" Ekaette said.
"Okay, Papi let us go before Mother Ekaette starts dissecting my friends one after the other" Tolu replied as she dragged me out of the kitchen.
We got to the supermarket, then I left for a while to get my new phone's battery and a new sim card, I got back to the supermarket and kept getting up to see who was stepping through the doors, hoping it would be Adaeze my crush.
Na so I wait reach night, Adaeze no show, then we closed for the day and headed home.
I headed straight to my room to take a shower, my plan was to shower, go collect my dinner and come eat in the room while studying my new phone. Bath done, I just wore a boxer and went to the kitchen, I opened the door, stepped in and got the shock of my life.
"Wow" Tolu & Adaeze said together.
"Hi-llo" That was all I could say because I was torn between saying hi & hello & to worsen the situation, Ekaette was laughing out loud.
"Ermm, sorry, I was working out, wanted to grab a bottle of water..ermm, I'll just go back to what I was doing" I said as I retraced my steps to the door.
"Young man, take one more step & I deal with you." Tolu said
"Tolu stop being a bully" Adaeze said in her sweet voice
"Who does workouts and doesn't sweat?" Tolu asked. Oh shit!!! That lie didn't come out good
"Papi go on, don't mind Tolu, but you do have a hot bod, my oh my... Check those abs out" Adaeze said.
"Papi feel free, don't be shy, we may not rape you" Tolu said with sarcasm & an evil smile, "May", she said "May"-sighs-
"Abeg Papi come sidon chop jare" Ekaette said.
Wasn't easy eating and listening in on female talk, I felt awkward & out of place, each time I tried to get up to leave, Tolu would pull me down to sit. I looked at Adaeze, Ekaette & Tolu, damn! I was in the midst of three beautiful women but as far as I was concerned, Adaeze was the most beautiful, everything about her was sexy from the way her eyes moved to the way she talked, from her smile to her laughter, her hairstyle accentuated her eyes & round face, her chubby cheeks (I could imagine how old people pinched the cheeks when she was younger), she also had a dimpled jaw, in fact she was just the epitome of beauty. Taking my eyes off her was herculean and each time she caught me staring, she would wink and blow kisses, then I would look elsewhere to find Tolu with a smirk on her face.
"Ekaette, wey the red velvet cake?" Tolu asked
"Red velvet cake?" Adaeze asked looking from Tolu to Ekaette
"Yes she said she was gonna make it" Tolu said to Adaeze
"Yeah sorry, I actually wanted Adaeze to be here when I was making, so I'll do it tomorrow" Ekaette replied
"Yippeeee!!! Red velvet tomorrow, see ehnnn, Ekaette you're my bestie now" Adaeze said
"Don't worry, it'll be ready before you guys get back from the supermarket tomorrow" Ekaette added
"Supermarket? Who cares about supermarket- Ekaette baby, na me and you dey house tomorrow, these two do not need me there" Adaeze said pointing at Tolu & Me
"-sigh- Papi can you see that females are not loyal, no worries Papi, we'll go on a Shawarma date" Tolu said.
"No shaking, I dey your side" was my reply even though I had one issue, what in heaven's name was a "Shawarma"? The name was funny, like something you would say when casting a spell or a cuss word or anything, it just sounded funny. Sunday - hotdog, Monday - Pizza, Tuesday - Red Velvet cake, Wednesday - Shawarma, lovely, I was learning new stuff everyday.
"Tolu, you no go wan come house without my own na, you sef know me" Adaeze said
They talked a little more, then we went to answer sleep's call.
Next day Tolu & I went to the supermarket as usual while Adaeze stayed back, after we closed, we did go for a Shawarma date, it was a "Shawarmatic"(Its a future english word, be calm!) experience I loved, we took home for Adaeze, Ekaette & Osy (Y'all have forgotten Osy the gateman, I suppose). That night I saw something that shocked me (your minds are racing, and some of you are thinking it had to do with Adaeze, and the pervs amongst you have taken the thought further), what shocked me was I saw people eat cake with forks (You know my background, don't blame me) it looked & felt weird, but I didn't want to look like a village man, so I did as they did (If you dare call me a village boy, I will deal with you personally) and the red velvet cake was another thing to love.
The rest of the week went with little activity, Thursday, Tolu introduced me to burger & chicken nuggets, Friday, Adaeze introduced me to Smoothies, Saturday, Tolu, Adaeze & Ekaette introduced me to scrabble, Monopoly & Small chops (-singing- mama say mama sa, mama kusa, mama say, mama sa, ma SAMOSA)
On Sunday I was dragged to church on an empty stomach, that was my first time in that church & I had a difficult time concentrating because there were a lot of distractions in female specie form & one wasn't even sure whether it was a church or fashion show, even the female ushers that were supposed to control these distractions were well endowed & their endowments + their carriage were distractions too, when they danced, a lot of wriggling & bouncing upper chest regions everywhere, but I was too hungry to be bothered, then they did the first-timer announcement, one pretty usher looked & smiled at me, making gestures that I should stand up, the hunger in my belly made my unlooking skill epic, then Tolu & Adaeze stood up, now they left me with no choice but to do same, we were taken to some special seats reserved for first timers, front row, where the Preacher could easily use you as an example. The joy in me knew no bounds when we got up to share grace, then they broke my heart again when first-timers were asked to wait behind, then the church touched my soul with a take-away pack of fried rice, chicken & a chilled malt drink. Before the food, if you had asked me "How was service?", I would have hissed, but after food, my story changed (In fact na to dey go church every sunday go do first-timer).
We got back home, had real lunch, then boredom struck Tolu & Adaeze, they decided to go swim & I was dragged along again, a lot of stuff went down at the swimming pool & the memories are stored in the archives of my mind, I cannot categorically tell you everything, it is my Oga at the top that will do that one (Don't ask me who my oga at the top is, 'cause I don't know). I'll tell you some of the things that happened at/in the swimming pool in my next epistle. Cheers!!!
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