Papi

Happy Christmas in advance and Merry New Year, even if it's the 31st day in December 2015 and I haven't seen/met you or spoken to you, I'll still wish you a merry new year. Anyway, that's that about that.

How many of you have ever been apprentices? like you're taken somewhere to learn a trade or skill, that thing is not easy ooo. After JAMB, rather than constitute a nuisance at home, my Uncle thought it proper that I learn a skill, first he tried to introduce me to the "okada" business, after a couple of fails as a result of too many falls, I gave up. He then took me to a mechanic to learn, I was there for three days, on the fourth day my oga and his friend were chatting, then he called me to go buy food for him- only him ooo, now the distance between the mechanic's workshop and the food seller's was like from one end of the red sea to the other end, don't ask me how I know the red sea, na so i waka go buy the food inside hot sun, I bought the food, got back and next thing I heard

      "Papi, come go buy food for my friend"... I collected the money alright, but that was the last time they saw me there, then I heard about how ladies loved male stylists, I loved the idea and decided to go learn the art of hairmaking, I got to the salon and I was told to buy a form, pay an exorbitant fee, bring crates of mineral & biscuits & fill the water "drums" everyday- what nonsense? Just to learn how to do "shuku & base", that killed my hair stylist dream immediately, I tried fashion designing, on the first day, I was shown how to thread a needle a couple of times, after four hours I still wasn't able to pass a thread through the eye of a needle, then came the punishment, slaps like it was my fault that the eye of the needle was so small, after all that, I was told to go and buy food- well, that was the last straw that broke Papi's back.

I also tried being a bus conductor -sigh- let's not even talk about that one, that's a whole epistle on it's own, remind me to talk about it later. 

Finally I was introduced to a wealthy family, I was told I would live with them, my job description was unknown to me, on my way to their house, I felt edgy, but the moment I stepped into the beautiful compound, saw the fine cars & massive building, I didn't care about my job description anymore, job description could go to hell for all I cared, in fact from the estate gate, I noticed everything about the area was so different, the air was different, the people I was seeing were different, the road was different, the cars were different, the houses were different, the scent was different. Like I said, I wasn't bothered about my job description, but then, nobody told me I was going to care for dogs too- well fed dogs, oh yes these dogs too were different from the ones common to yardists, these dogs were so big and healthy, their barks were different, their names were even different from the popular "Booski" (for those of you guys whose babes add ski to boo... she just might be calling you a dog and you'll be carrying your mumu self and be grinning from ear to ear, almost purring like a cat too.) & "Bingo" that we yardists knew--- I take that back, I meant to say "that those yardists knew", I renounce & denounce every yardist trait in me by fire by force. Let's not digres please, as I was saying, the dogs had fine names: Gabana, Bill, Eva, Calvin, Sara and the last one, in all honesty I wasn't pleased with the last one's name and I'm still not pleased with it, I mean of all names why would you choose to call a dog pap--- nevermind, moving on, the lizards I saw in the compound were also different, these ones were big, healthy and so well fed that they couldn't run from humans. I could go on and on and on and on about the very many different things in the house and estate, but all that won't be neessary.
I was shown around the house, introduced to the maid, driver, corporate guard (leave matter, na gateman...uniformed gateman), then finally I was introduced to Madam whom I was going to work for.

      "Good afternoon Ma" I greeted
      "Good afternoon fine boy, what is your name?" She replied without even looking up to see the entity she just called fine boy, well it's not like I'm ugly though, don't ask for my pictures- I don't have any & I cannot and will not snap for you. anyway "fine boy" coming from my Madam sounded a little awkward.
      "My name is Papi" I replied
      "Pa what?" she asked, looking up with a smirk, then I remembered the driverr called one of the dogs "Papi", I did a name change immediately.
      "Papa, my name is Papa" I said
      "Papa? why? do you look like your father?" She asked
      "No Ma, it's because I look like an old man" I said it with all innocence and naievity and next thing she was laughing real hard and I was not sure why, 'cause I didn't think what I said was funny, but I loved the way she laughed though.
      "Oh my God, that was funny, have you finished school?" she asked
      "Yes Ma" I replied
      "To what stage?" She asked, english seemed hard at that point or my brain was slow to process the question.
      "Stage?" I asked
      "Yes, what level or what certificate do you have? or are you a graduate or an undergraduate?" she asked
      "I have finished grammar school, done WAEC and JAMB twice" I answered
      "oh, that's good, but why did you do JAMB twice, didn't you pass it?" She asked
      "I passed the first one, but no money for the university, so I wrote again and i'm waiting for the result" I replied, all these questions -sigh-
      "okay, where are your parents?" she asked
      "In the village Ma"
      "Who do you have here in Lagos?"
      "My Uncle and his family Ma" I answered
      "Have you ever stolen?" She asked. Even if I had stolen, did this woman think I would say? she must be joking.
      "No Ma" I answered
      "Good, ever been involved in a fight?" she asked, I was beginning to think she was a police, what with all the questions she was asking.
      "No Ma" I semi-lied, I had been involved in fights, fights for who took the biggest share of meat, fight for right to space when fetching water.... well I never exchanged blows though.
      "very good, do you know how to count?" Next she'll ask if I could breathe
      "Very well Ma, even money, I hope to be an accountant some day"
      "Really? Oh, that's very nice"
      "Thank you Ma" All the questions were making me very hungry
      "Do you know why you are here?" She asked, and I just shook my head
      "No Ma" I replied, but that was the truth
      "You mean no one told you anything and you just followed?"
      "My Uncle introduced me to someone, and the person brought me here"
      "that's not good, anyway, Ekaette!!!" She called, I looked and saw the maid come running out
      "Yes Madam" the maid replied
      "Is the boys' quarter clean?"
      "Yes Madam"
      "Okay, take Papa there, that's where he'll be staying"
      "Yes Madam"
      "Papa, follow her, she'll take you to your quarters, and she'll be in charge of feeding you, so bathe eat and relax there, we'll discuss tomorrow"
      "Okay Ma, thank you Ma" I said as I carried my little bag and followed Ekaette the maid.
In all she said, I could pick out only two things "Your Quarters" & "Feeding", i was even more concerned about the feeding part. I was shown my quarter, well furnished room with a bed big enough for 6 apobis (weight lifters), a mini fridge, a sofa, reading table and chair, an LCD TV with a home theatre, AC, the type of bathroom & toilet I only saw in american movies.
       "This is your place" the maid said
       "abeg na how many of us dey use all this things?" I asked
       "It is only you, I stay in the next quarter" Ekaette replied
       "So na only me go use everything here?" I asked
       "Yes, only you, take your bath, let me go and bring your food, should I put the AC on?" she asked.
       "Yes ooo, thank you" I felt like a bush man, the maid was speaking english and i was replying in pigin english. I took a long bath, the longest I had ever taken, it all felt good, then I came out to the cold room and met the maid just as she was bringing in the food.
       "Madam, please put off the AC" I told the maid, it was too cold for me to speak english
       "Cold dey catch you?" Ekaette asked, wait!!! so she could speak pigin
       "Yes, abeg" she turned it off, then showed me how to operate everything, I could barely understand 'cause at that moment, all I saw was food. She opened a pack of juice to pour, I didn't want her to feel that I was a village boy, so I stopped her from pouring it and told her to give me water instead, when she brought the water, she left the juice still, my luck, I locked the door, poured myself a glass full of juice - wonderful something, Then I poured back a glass of water into the pack and closed the pack, then put it like I never touched it, before I pounced on the pounded yam and egusi soup, my problem was the meat, fish, ponmo etc was more than the soup. When I was done, I whistled Tuface "today is the first day of the rest of my life". I was away from the yard and those yardists, it was like a whole new world here, my own well furnished apartment with constant supply of good food- life was good, I turned the AC on to sleep, then one mosquito came to my ear, even the mosquito here was well fed, so healthy that it couldn't fly well -smack- the mosquito died in active service.

                                                                    GOOD NIGHT!!!