Papi & The Yardists

Three important queues in the yard, queue to fetch water, to bath and to use the toilet. I queued to fetch water, the water was for two purposes, to bath and to flush the toilet, deciding which one to do first depended on the length of the queue, I put the two buckets of water in front of our room, to take something inside, na so I waka comot for room come meet empty buckets, You don't know the meaning of mixed emotions till you're in that situation, I wasn't sure whether to shout, cry, be angry, sad or just laugh. Then I saw splashes of water on the floor, I traced the water to Oga Johnbull's "dormot", you can guess what I did, I went to get my buckets, just as I was about to turn the water, Oga Johnbull opened the door and saw me.
      "Small boy, wetin you dey do so?, so na you dey tif tif water abi, you no even fear, you wan tif my water"
My legs became like cooked spaghetti and I became a stammerer all at once
      "O-o-oga Joh-johnbull, no no noo ooo, I-I-i be see say-say-say e-e- be li-li-like say your-your bu-buckayt dey-dey leak, so-so I say make I-I helep you pou-pou-pour the water here"
You think it's funny abi, if you laugh or as much as smile, I will go spiritual on you, my life was at stake, I had to do something.
      "Small boy, no try am again, no try me again, you dey hear me so? If you try am, I break your head, now getaway you. Idiot" Oga Johnbull said
      "Yes sir, yes sir, okay sir, sorry sir" was all I could say. You dare not blame me ooo, 'cause you have no idea whom I was dealing with, you think the name "Oga Johnbull" were his name and surname like mine - "Papi" that was a combo of "Papa & Peter", no "Oga Johnbull" was a combination of his status, his name, his physique and his looks, some said he was a bouncer, others said he was a bodyguard, I knew he was head of ndi ap'obi (weightlifters), his biceps alone was 15 of my thighs put together, you can now imagine what the rest of his body looked like, then his face, biko nwoke m a joro nnukwu njo (this man was very ugly), oh yes very ugly and black, not dark ooo, black, he was the real "made of black". Well now you have an idea why I couldn't accuse him of taking my water.
After my ordeal with Oga Johnbull, bathing was canceled for the day, I took a sachet of pure water, brushed my teeth, then did rub'n'shine. Shussh there, if I no tell you say na rub'n'shine, you go know?
Anyway, it was a big day, we were going to the cinema, for your mind you dey reason silverbird, GD, ozone, popcorn & coke etc... Una try, cinema in this case was our room, it was our turn to have light (you know how it is with electricity rationing) and my cousins had gotten movies to be watched. you see, in the yard, privacy was a luxury, so each time the yardists knew you were watching a film, some would come in to watch with you, some will stand the door, others would stand outside to watch from the window depending on the position of the television. I had taken a very good position already, the rest could stay anywhere for all I cared.
My Uncle's wife preferred when all of us were far away from her shop, why? She said whenever we assisted her, she recorded losses, so only one person was allowed to assisted, we then drew up a roaster for that too, but on this day, no one wanted to help, the movie wasn't interesting and I was hungry, the whole room was full, and the standing committee were around too, leaving my seat would mean "The End", the hunger was real, the hunger was greater than the pleasure from the movie, I got up and went to "assist" my Uncle's wife.
      "Papi, this one wey you come outside so, u no wash feem again?" She asked
      "No Ma, I just reason say na only you dey here, and the film no sweet" I repLIED
If you look at me with suspicious eyes, I will pour sand inside, "wa strunk wit u?" I'm saying why I came to help my Aunt and you're looking at me with suspicious eyes
       "Ehnn, onye oma, Papi nwoke oma, oya come go buy meat come." Wait!!! That wasn't what I bargained for
       "Ok Ma" I replied then I went, bought the meat, on my way back, I saw oga johnbull with other "oga johnbulls" approaching, the speed with which I fled surprised me, I passed another route to get home.
       "Aunty I don buy am" Still trying to catch my breathe from that dash I did
       "Ehenn, welcome, why you dey sweat like this? Dog pursue you?" She asked
       "No ooo, I just dey test my speed" I was about to attend to a customer and attend to myself too when
       "Papi ooo, leave am I go do am, abeg come go grind this beans" I sighed and regretted that sole action of leaving my seat, had I known, then an idea came.
       "Aunty, make I no lie, na only one thing make me run"
       "Wetin be that?" She asked
       "One kain hot shit don dey worry me since" I replied.
       "Go shit nau, when you finish you come" what was with this woman sef
       "Make I call Chima or Adaobi instead" I added, at least when I left the room, they were seated in nice positions.
       "Oya call them" she said.
oh them, so I had an option of two wonderful positions to pick from. I got to the room and as expected, someone had occupied my position. I dropped the message for Chima and Adaobi, they left to answer their Mom, I balanced and smiled at the wisdom I had just applied, barely a minute after I felt a wicked rumble in my belly, it felt like a fart was about to come out, but I was very certain this wasn't just a fart, it was that kind that came with "hot shit", I dashed for the door & bolted to the toilet, I had barely sat on the toilet seat when it poured out, hot peppery shit. But I was joking when I mentioned "hot shit" to my Uncle's wife. I finished, then cleaned up & cleaned the toilet, then went to resume my movie watching session, I got to the door of our room and saw the spaces had been occupied already by the former occupants.
      "Papi, Mommy said when you finish you should go and grind the beans" was the news that greeted me. Great, just great, some unseen forces were just against me and they were having laughs.
           

I am terribly sorry to tell you Papi cannot continue again this year, till next year, please bear with him.
       

         MERRY NEW YEAR YOU YARDISTS!!!