Papi ... Yard Yardist & Yardism

I cannot categorically tell you what the exact definition of yard, yardist and yardism is, it is my oga at the top @tonypox a.k.a Overlord, Voltron, Yardist, Akara Lord, Poximillus Akarahimovic ati beebee lo that will tell you that one. In my previous epistle I told you I came to stay with my supposedly rich Uncle in a supposedly big oyinbo-like city called Lagos- don't blame me, blame my naivety (this naivety has suffered, we keep blaming him/her for all our stupidity).
Where my Uncle stayed was a very big yard, the main building had ten rooms downstairs, ten upstairs, ten rooms lined the fence and five shops in front of the house, oh it was four shops and the fifth one was converted to two rooms, so in all, there were thirty two rooms and all were occupied, the whole yard had access to only three bathrooms, when you hear "bathroom", you envisage a tiled room with a tub/shower tray and faucets, biko no dey deceive ya mind, bathroom in this context refers to "baf room", na there we dey baf, it is an empty room with a tiny window, small hole for drainage and a crazy ass door, the door always had issues, either a makeshift rusting corrugated sheet or termite infested, raggedly looking, hinge-off panel door. Okay enough about the bathroom, the yard had only three toilets too- one shalanga (pit) and two WCs- wondering how they were kept clean? Simple, there was a roaster for everyone as to whom to sweep what portions of the yard & those assigned to wash the toilets and clean the bathrooms. The whole yard had only two general kitchens- wondering why it's called a "general kitchen"? Abeg wetin them dey call kitchen wey the whole world dey use?- "universal kitchen" perhaps, and because it was a kitchen used by everyone, a lot of mysterious disappearances took place in there, the kitchen was like the Bermuda triangle of the yard, like you could be cooking your pot of soup and the soup would be raptured while your pot- left behind, or you could place some ingredients in your locker and the ingredients would walk away, you could be cooking with pieces of meat and the meat would just vanish or perhaps it melted. So cooking meant mounting a sentry just beside your cooking to avoid stories that shook.
Describing the yard isn't complete without mentioning the type of people in the yard, one good thing about the yard was it was never devoid of human species and non-human species too (in fact that was the only good thing about the yard if you ask me), you had the "experienced" elder statesmen- Let something happen and you'll hear
      "This kain thing don do me before" or
      "I remember when this thing do me for.."
There was absolutely nothing under this sun either physical or metaphysical, normal or paranormal that these people hadn't supposedly experienced. Then the "intellectuals", argue with them or face the wrath of their supporters. The "grassroot politicians" all those ones ever did was argue/talk politics from morning till night, even in there sleep you could hear them arguing with some unseen force, they always had a political "angu" to anything that happened in the yard. The angry birds are not left out, they are always angry, if they are the first set of people you see in the morning, na to go back go sleep ooo 'cause their negative energy can mess your day up, they can swear for Africa, sometimes you wonder if they are children of babalawos. The busy artful dodgers, always busy and dodging yard responsibilities. The chronic fornicators- a different woman every other day, you wonder how they do it. The noise makers- these ones will put their "i pass my neighbor" gen downstairs, right beside your window, go back upstairs, turn up the volume of their music players and leave you asking God why your life was the way it was. The fashionistas- most valued customers of the Katangiwa or Katangora or whatever boutique.
The whole yard is incomplete and semi-functional if you do not recognize the presence of the amebos & tatafos, they always knew who was doing what, minding your business is their only business, among them were the slanderers- they'll insult and yab sanity into you or in some cases, insanity.

This epistle was just to introduce you into the environment I - Papi was introduced to after leaving the village, subsequent epistles will tell you my experiences. Any questions about Yard, Yardist & Yardism should be directed to @tonypox & @chivaneze, they are certified & verified yardists.

                         Merry Boxing Day.