Madam HR

It was a Friday night, I stayed back at work after everyone had left, to run the organization's server updates, so that no bugger in the form of a director or any member of staff working weekends would bother my weekend. I checked my laptop to see the movies I was downloading... and added more to the download. Damn! I loved my job as an I.T. guy, perks- the best WiFi for free!!!, now before you scuff at me, I understand your resentment for I.T. guys & especially H.R., well, in my case I was different. I was not one to hide the good WiFi password from you if you asked, I was not one to tell you to pay tens of thousands to install an Antivirus program that the company paid for, & I also was not one to smile mischievously or frown when called upon to attend to a colleague's system, I did it all with joy, and that made me very loved by all, except the new HR boss, I had reasons to believe she hated me with passion,and as such, I avoided her like a plague. 

I had my weekend all planned out: When I was done at the office, it was already 8pm, I drove down to Shoprite to get groceries for a lovely weekend of dining, wining, gaming, and movies, all in the comfort of my abode. The drive back home was hectic, you know how the traffic in Lagos is, good thing I picked up a box of pizza from Debonair's, I munched away as I listened to my smooth jazz playlist and trust me I didn't feel the traffic one bit. Finally, I got home at about 10pm, took a shower, opened my phones notification to read WhatsApp messages without opening them, and the messages I was seeing told me replying them would be stressful, and stress was the last thing I wanted. As I made to abandon the phone and go binge watch movies, it rang, you know those calls you see & you immediately know there's a 95% probability of some type of change happening to your plans? Yeah, it was that type of call, so I just ignored, but it was incessant and it was my friend, so I just had to pick. 

"Hello" I spoke into the phone

"Chief, what's good, are you ready?" he asked.

"Ready?" I asked, because I didn't understand.

"Yes na, today is Miri's birthday bash... Wait, you mean you forgot again?" my friend asked. I was screwed, I had completely forgotten.

"My brother, it's work oo, but I'll try and be there, where again?" He told me and I just lay on the bed staring at the ceiling and wishing I had not picked that call. Miri and I used to be good friends till she dated one cheat, she loved this cheat with everything, and the cheat in return capitalized on her goodwill, he was running different away matches, the bloody cheat! I tried to warn her, but you know the normal "I'm finally happy and complete with this person, and perhaps out of jealousy you want to mess that up for me?" message, yeah I got that, and it kind of strained our relationship. Anyway, a day after they got engaged, someone sent Miri a video recording of the damned cheat bragging at a club about how he was the king of "bitches" while he kissed two ladies, and for some coincidental reason, I was a passerby in the video- i became an accomplice because I was at the scene of the crime. Miri got upset with me, called me names, and broke off her engagement with the guy. I was upset too : upset that Miri didn't believe my appearance in the video was a coincidence. Upset that I warned her severally about him, but she refused to listen, even more upset that she could associate me with that chronic cheat. And thus began our enmity, each time I tried to reconnect with her, it just never worked, until 2 years ago when She invited me to her birthday, but for two consecutive years I had given excuses for missing the celebration, this was the 3rd year, and I was very certain, that she would not forgive me if I missed her birthday, now the only feasible thing to do was dress up and be at the party. 

The truth was, I missed Miri in my life, she was one lady that stepped into your life and brought light and color to the dark areas, she was that one female friend you didn't want to mess around with, and I would do anything to have on my side again, yeah she accused me wrongly & all, but that was not enough reason to excommunicate her, I was ready to give up the sweet Friday enjoyment that night, just to do the one thing I hated- clubbing, all for the sake of friendship & Miri. My phone buzzed.

"Hello Cheifo, how far, should I come pick you?" he asked

"Pick who? You drunk, so that you will kill me? Hell no! I'll drive myself" I answered.

"Okay, shey you'll pick me then?" he asked

"Make you come vomit for my motor like the last time, No Sir!"

"You no dey even forget something sef" My friend added.

"Guy, bye!" I retorted.

To me, clubbing was just a sheer waste of time, money, energy and good health, but my friends weren't interested in my Ted talks.

I got to the club, got in and it was full, the DJ was doing his stuff, the ones who had eaten well were rocking the dancefloor, the slay Kings and

Snapchat Queens were showing various levels of iberibeism, I just did not belong to the club setting, and all the times I had been there, I was dragged into going. I searched around for Miri, greeted a few mutual friends who directed me to where she was. I saw her seated with a couple of friends, she was looking even more beautiful than ever, or perhaps it was just me, 'cause even back in Secondary school when I was still malicious, my female classmates always looked prettier when I stopped talking to them, they always became so pretty that I forgot I wasn't supposed to talk to them, abeg who malice help?! So, here was Miri looking radiant and me looking to patch things up and have my friend back. But what if we couldn't be the friends we were? Well at least I would know that I tried. I walked up to her, tapped her shoulder, she turned round, looked at me with disdain, then continued the jibber-jabber with her friends. I had never felt so humiliated in my life, and the fact that it came from her even made it worse. It was 1am, it would be too dangerous to go back home, I couldn't stay there either, but I could chill in my car and enjoy Twitter till sleep took over. So I turned, walked out of the club and to my car. I did a quick recap of what had just happened, for crying out loud I sacrificed the comfort of my home, and the interesting movies, only to get snubbed by the one person I was there for. Oh well! As far as trying was concerned, I had tried my best, and there was nothing more to do. I looked up at the sky, it was a clear night, and the stars twinkled up there, I lay on the car bonnet and gazed at the stars, so many stars up there, some looking brighter than others, if one star refused to be bright, or perhaps too far in space to be as bright as the others, I could decide not to focus on that dim star, and shift my attention to the bright star. Hence, if Miri had decided to be the dim star, I could pay more attention to other people who wanted me in their lives, and I relaxed at that thought. I gazed at the stars some more, then got into the car, turned on the car stereo, & a radio station was playing Shai's "If I Ever Fall in Love", & I turned it off immediately , the audacity! Who said I was in love with Miri? She was just a good friend, or was I in love with her and in denial? My mind kept tossing the questions back and forth, at some point I just took my phone out, got into the Twitter groove, and in no time I became so engrossed in Tweeting. 

My beautiful Twitter moment got interrupted by a text on WhatsApp that read: Where are u?, I opened the message so she could see the blue tick, but I didn't reply, I just continued tweeting. More texts from her, still I read but did not reply. No amount of ignored texts was as painful as the snobbish attitude she gave me in the club. Still, I continued Tweeting, and the texts stopped. For some unknown reason, a part of me felt bad for not responding to her messages, and I was so tempted to reply- I asked myself if I was overreacting? Well, maybe.

My friend that called earlier to remind me about the party called me, I picked

"Hello" I said

"Don't tell me you went back home, you know it's not safe" I looked at my phone, that was Miri's voice.

"What do you care?" I asked

"Where are you? We need to talk & this place is noisy"

The sweet sound of her voice was my weakness, my brain completely forgot it was supposed to be upset that Miri snubbed a whole me.

"I'm at the car park" I answered.

"Okay dear, I'm coming out now" She said, as she hung up. I stepped out of the car and sat on the bonnet, a million thoughts going through my mind about the conversation we were about to have, and the ministry for "What If's" in my mind was having a field day doling out several versions of what ifs. I heard footsteps, I saw her coming, and my heart began race- why? I had no idea.

As she got to where I was, I couldn't help but admire her, she was one hell of a pretty ebony, and when things were good between us I called her brown sugar.

"Hi" I said, trying to be as casual as possible

"Hi? After all these years, it's just a hi? No hug, just hi?" My mouth hung open, wasn't this the same lady who snubbed me inside? You see women, respect them for many things, including the complicated beings that they are, never argue, just accept whatever you're served as long as your life is not in harm's way. I made to hug her and she declined.

I was getting to the point where I wouldn't care anymore how she felt, so I just resumed my star gazing & acted like she wasn't there, I had so much I wanted to say to her, but I just didn't have the strength for her yenyenyen. She opened my car door and sat inside, and I just remained where I was, well until the cold was unbearable. I got into the back seat and just sat there, she was seated in front.

"I thought you were a Spartan enjoying the cold" she said. I was silent.

"If you give me the silent treatment again, I'll just go back inside" She added, and I'll just sleep here, at 5am I'll zoom off to my house and continue living my life without you- I told myself. Why couldn't she just accept her faults, we would say usual "I'm sorry" and continue as friends? Why did she have to complicate issues?

"So are you ready to talk?" She asked, -silence-

"Okay then, bye" She said as she stepped out of the car. Ordinarily I would have gone said something or made a move, but I didn't budge or say anything. About 5 minutes later she was back again, she got into the back seat with me

"I'm sorry for being a bitch"

I was surprised, so I turned the light on to see if there was an evil grin on her face, but was shocked to see her bloodshot eyes, she had been weeping. Every form of resentment I had towards her went away, and I was filled with pity and compassion for her. I took my hankie out and wiped her face.

"Hey Brown Sugar, I'm sorry too, I guess we both overreacted" I said

"No you didn't, you didn't deserve the cold treatment from me, you've been nothing but a good friend to me, you know, I stepped out of the club and no one noticed, no one came out to check if I was okay, everyone in there came for the free booze and all, but you, those things don't appeal to you, I realized, only you came for me, I'm sorry for the past and the present, please forgive me" she said amidst tears.

"It's okay dear" I said as I hugged her

"I missed you" I whispered in her ear, the fragrance on her neck made me kiss her neck.

"If I were a vampire, I would bite you at this spot and transform you into one" I said, and she chuckled, how I missed that chuckle.

"And if I became a vampire, I would do this" She said, and the action that followed was one I had wished for before but had thrown the wish away because I didn't see it happening at all- she initiated a kiss, and I responded on reflex, even an important part of my groin was responding, the kiss was intense, like two hungry animals ravaging a kill.

Her hand had found it's way through my jeans and into my briefs, her touch down there felt good, the stroking was just awesome. Then I asked myself what we were doing? We were supposed to be friends.

"Brown Sugar" I called

"Yes dear" She responded

"I want this as much as you do, probably even more than you, but I'd prefer it wasn't casual, I want you, but not just for this" I told her

"Awwn, aren't you such a sweetheart, you're right, so ask me to be your girlfriend now so we can just continue from there" She said, I turned the light on to see her face

I saw the smirk on it and knew she was kidding.

"Let me go back inside, I'll be at your place later in the day, we have a lot of catching up to do" she said, as she adjusted her dress and stepped out of the car. I watched her leave and smiled, boom! Jackpot!

Some minutes later I heard some voices approach the car, safety was the first thing that came mind, so I stretched my hand and turned on the car's central lock, plus I didn't want anyone else to know I was in the car, you never know who could be lurking, as the voices approached, one, a female voice sounded vaguely familiar, I looked around and bang! on my bonnet, a drunk lady and guy were laughing, hiding behind the driver seat, I looked closely, & the color drained from my face, they were humping on my car bonnet, no that's not what made it interesting, what made it interesting was the fact that the lady receiving it from behind was none other than..........

I didn't think I was seeing right, so quietly I located my glasses and put it on to get a clearer view, it was crystal clear that the lady being humped on my car bonnet was the last person I would have pictured in this scenario, I took out my phone, turned the camera on to record. I checked to ensure the flash wasn't on so it won't give me away. Now, don't judge me for the next thing I'm about say, it was just my mind responding to the arousal Miri started, but looking at this lady's upper chest region bouncing with joy & gladness, at some point it felt like the chest twins were doing what they were doing, in slow-mo, trust me, it was fascinating to behold. I know I should have closed my eyes or looked away like I would have on a normal day, but this was not a normal day, and the lady in question was a good enough reason to not only watch, but also have it filmed. Why I was recording it, I wasn't sure, but it was definitely not because I intended to blackmail her, hell no! I wouldn't stoop so low, it was just for the fun of it, my ride began to rock again. Damn! imagine the disrespect to my sweet baby ride.

I had to make an appearance before they damaged my car. But first I made sure to save the video, like I made sure it was properly saved- on my cloud, you know, as a precautionary measure. I stepped out of the car and shut the door hard enough for them to notice, the lady tried so hard to cover up, I just smiled and said "Madam HR, Madam HR", at that point, if the chorus of Michael Jackson's "Speechless" had cued in, it would have been a perfect moment, 'cause our dear Madam HR was speechless and discombobulated, and I loved it, this was the best clubbing ever.

"You know him?" Her humper asked

"No.. Yes, Yes... He's He's my colleague" Madam HR the humpee replied. I chuckled as a title played in my mind "Escapades of a humper and humpee" I turned and made for the club, I looked back again to be sure I was sane and hadn't imagined what I saw, they were there, the humper trying to cajole Madam HR the humpee into continuing- the animal that he was! I had heard stories about weird places to have sex, and always thought it was a Western thing, it was still hard to believe I had just seen what I just saw, not just that, but by someone I would never ever imagine in that way- Madam HR!!! Haaaaaaa!!! I felt good though, I got a good view of her fine face, her boobies, and man did she pack some huge rack behind. One thing I looked forward to was the way we would relate at work. 

I stepped into the club feeling like a million bucks, for the first time in my life, the one place I detested became appealing, that was when I noticed the lighting of the place was topnotch, with a lovely interior decor. I was all smiles, and even the smoke didn't bother me

"I see you're missing me already" The sweet voice of Miri. I turned round to find her, damn! She was fine wine! We danced- something I had always wanted to do, but never done in public. The shocking discovery of Madam HR kept playing in my head, and it was giving me joy & energy. 

We danced till my legs could take no more, I wanted to go back to the car, but thought better of it, what if Madam HR was evil and had something sinister up her sleeve. So I stayed put at the club till it was safe to go home. I dropped Miri off at her place, & told her there was hot gist waiting for her when she came later. I headed home, you would think I went to sleep immediately I got home, no! I ate well first, took a cold shower, & the moment I hit the bed, I was gone. I didn't wake till 12pm, then I did a quick recap of the events that happened.

I remembered Madam HR, and quickly looked for my phone, and played the video, the humper was really working the humpee from behind like she was owing him a lot. The sheer look of pleasure on her face indicated the right spot was getting it. I had to wash my car thoroughly, especially the part where they did their nasty stuff, no way I was going to allow my beloved ride remain unclean after being defiled by Madam HR and her humper. Even after watching the video, it still felt like a dream that I had actually seen a whole Madam HR getting it outdoors. 

Miri came in much later in the afternoon, and she looked more beautiful and radiant than she was some years ago

"Can you imagine? I told Mom I was coming to see you, and she said she's glad my senses had come back" Miri said

"Bless her sweet soul, I miss my number 1 fan" I teased

"Yeah I know you miss me"

"Errr no, not you, your Mom is my number 1 fan, always taking my side"

"Will you marry her, and be my step dad then?"

"If she'll agree"

"Okay let me call her to let her know" Miri actually called her Mom and told her and I had to speak with her. Sweet!!!

After the call, my mind was made up, there was no need dragging. I held her waist from behind, rested my head lightly on her shoulder as we swayed from side to side, I whispered in her ear

"how 'bout we begin a journey?" I asked

"If the journey is not to the great beyond, I'm in" 

I turned her to face me,

"Miri, do you love me enough to start this journey with me?"

"Bros, let me help you, will you be my boyfriend to have and to hold?" She teased. I knelt down and asked

"Miri, will you marry me... Well we can always drive out to shop for the ring" Tears welled up in her eyes, as she knelt down too, hugged me and whispered "you're mine for life". Now take a pause, I know you're probably thinking "just like that?" No it wasn't just like that, we knew each other inside out, prior to the communication gap, we were like beasties, I should have done it years ago, but I wasn't serious then, & almost lost her to that chronic cheat, I couldn't afford to lose her again, 'cause she was the only friend who knew me well.

"Miri, I've been meaning to ask you why you didn't believe I knew nothing about that cheat?"

"I believed you, I was just upset that you didn't see I wanted you before I met him, you wanted friendship, I wanted more than that but I didn't know how to be open about it. I overreacted and I'm sorry, these past years without you have been somehow.... I know... I" I kissed her

Now the puzzle of years ago had been solved. We resumed the kiss episode from the previous day, every part of me craved her, I carried her to the bedroom, and I saw a part of Miri I had only imagined several times. We undressed and explored each other's bodies, identifying the several pleasure points, more kisses, and she got on top, eased me in and began the rodeo move, I watched as she threw her head back while she rode, we were lost in the throes of passion, The beauties on her chest, her undulating hips, the hunger on her pretty face, combined to give me pleasure like never before felt. I turned her to lay sideways, eased in and popped out a couple of times, then I began slow tempo thrusts, and rhythmical increase in tempo, till all that could be heard was the slap-slap of our bodies, & moans.

"I love you boo" she said

Several more rounds of pure unadulterated pleasure, and we lay there in each other's arms.

"You said you had gist for me" She said

"Oh yes, you won't believe what happened after you left the car at the club"

"What, what, tell me please"

"A lady and a man did the do on my bonnet" 

"What? You're kidding, yeah?" She asked

"No I'm not, I saw it all" I replied

"Oh well, it's not new, it's nothing really"

"Oh no, it's something, they disrespected my car"

"awwn, sorry, poor car, oya give me another gist"

"The lady that was getting banged is the head HR at work"

"Go away jo, you're making things up" She said

"No I'm not, I'm dead serious" I answered

"wow now that's hot gist" She replied

"I had it on video"

"You perv! Let me see"

"You know you become a perv like me if you see"

"Baby I am anything you are, perv or not, now show me the vid"

I showed her the video

"Damn! Baby you will hump me this way... Saint Anthony of Padua! We can clearly see the bumbum from the front, that's massive, see her booby ooo baby" She commented, and all I could do was roll with laughter. Then

"Oh my God, oh my God!" She exclaimed

"What's the matter?" I asked

"Baby I know who she is, she's a Sister to the cheat I almost married, she was the one who introduced me to her brother. She's a nymph and she's very sneaky too, be very wary of her dear" Miri said. Another puzzle solved, after putting two and two together, I finally understood why Madam HR hated me, it wasn't for no reason, it was because she felt I had a hand in the engagement breakup between Miri and her cheat of a brother. Wow! It all made sense, and I was more than eager for Monday to come, so I could go to work.

The rest of the weekend with Miri was all shades of eventful, remember when I said Miri brought color to one's life? Yeah, she brought a rainbow this time, and for the first time in ages I wasn't bothered about the madness and recklessness of danfos, kekes and okadas.

The weekend sped past, and Monday came, I got to work early as usual and began the process of turning on routers and all other server paraphernalia. I walked past the HR office a million times that day, in fact I barely stayed in my office, but there was no sign of Madam HR. 

I think I may have felt a little disappointed, I just wanted to really see her face and her reaction. Well, for a whole week Madam HR did not show up till the Tuesday of the next week. There was an early morning meeting for HODs with the MD, and I had to be there to represent my HOD who was on leave, I was at the conference hall before anyone to set the video conferencing and presentation equipment up, when Madam HR stepped in and was trying so hard to be nice, I looked at her closely, she was pretty though, and belonged to the slim-thick gang but with a massive behind, the image of her getting humped was one I would never forget, so I responded to her with smiles, and she offered to buy me lunch. Who was I to reject free lunch from an HOD, from a whole Madam HR? No, I had that lunch and ate very well.

She gave me lunch for four good days, wow! Everyone thought we were finally getting along. On Friday evening, as the MD was leaving the office, he said to me.

"everyone here is not your friend, someone here wants you out, you're smart, I know you already know who, be careful"

I was grateful for the heads up, I sent a text to Miri to tell her, we already had a plan of our own in motion. I was back at my office and rounding off for the day when my CUG rang- Madam HR

"Hello, please come to my office now, I was fixing reports when the system went off..."

Trap? Oh well! I sent another text to Miri:

"Boo, humpee just called me now to come fix her system"

"I told ya, she's sneaky, she wants to put you in a fix, if you do not honor the request, then queries. If you honor her request it could be a trap, what will you do?"

"I think I have an idea" I told Miri

"Babe, please be careful, have you written that letter?" she asked

"Yeah" I answered

"That's my baby, okay, don't cut the call, start recording the call and use an earpiece, then go see humpee" You see, having a beautiful babe is one thing, having a smart woman is everything. I did as my Miri instructed, almost everyone had left the complex, I walked to the HR office, saw the key on the door, looked around, and quickly took the key out as I knocked and opened the door, no one was inside.

"looking for me?" Madam HR said, She was standing behind me. 

"Oh, I peeked in and didn't see anyone" I said, as I held the door open for her to get in first.

"I like your scent, what perfume is that?" She asked

"Thank you, so what happened to your system?" I looked at the system, and as I suspected, the power cable for the monitor was pulled out, sneaky lady! I smiled, put it back, then turned the monitor on and voila!

"Your system is fine Madam" I said and made to leave.

"You IT people and your ways, what did you do?"

"A magician never reveals the secret of his trade" I knew I was sounding like a typical IT person, but I didn't care, I just wanted to be out of the place.

"oh really? Does the magician reveal any secret at all?" She asked. I didn't need a special training to understand what she meant.

"Yes he does, to his protege" for a while, I thought her face revealed shock, but she switched to being sweet.

"so it's Friday night, any plans? Wanna hang out? my place, your place or someplace else" She asked, I didn't see it coming.

"I'll be at my fiancée's" I said

"You liar!" Miri said in my earpiece

"Oh you're engaged" Madam HR said.

"Invite her over for a threesome" Miri said through the earpiece with a chuckle.

"Yeah I am" I responded to Madam HR

"Well, you're not married yet, we can still have good times before you finally settle down" She said. 

"What! The twat is making a pass at my man" Miri said.

I was trying hard not to laugh at or react to Miri's comments in my earpiece.

"Madam HR, you're a fine woman, but No"

"You want to throw my offer away? You don't want to have a taste of this stewed jollof?" she said, as she grabbed her boobs seductively.

"Good night Madam HR"

I opened the door and left her office. I dropped her office key on the reception counter, I took it out to avoid being in a locked-door compromising situation with the sneaky Madam HR.

"Babe, is that your heartbeat I'm hearing" Miri asked. I laughed andleft the office complex. 

Well, Madam HR didn't stop making passes, and wanting to have me in really compromising situations, and with each of her failed attempt, she became more frustrated till one day she said

"See, I don't even know why I'm being nice to you, no one will ever believe you"

That evening, as I was leaving the office complex, I saw the MD's car, & I also saw Madam HR's car, those where the only two cars in the parking lot, mine was outside the complex. Perhaps they were working late, then I stopped in my tracks! I had heard rumors about them from the security, so I went back into the complex, and quietly made my way to the MD's office- to knock or not to knock? I put my ear to the door, and confirmed my suspicion, you know that all too familiar slap-slap sound and the ooohs, aaahs and hmmphs. Yeah! I texted Miri about my findings. 

I lingered a little till the MDs door opened and they both stepped out, there was the MD and Madam HR stepping out and adjusting clothes, they were flustered when they saw me.

"What are you doing here?" The MD asked

"Routine checks to make sure computers are off" I answered. 

Well, they suspected I knew something, the MD had been won over to Madam HR's side, and I didn't care. I did my job and performed my duties with professionalism. I tendered my resignation, and you should have seen how happy Madam HR was. She told me

"I won, I frustrated you out"

I laughed when she told me that. Allow her bask in her foolishness for a while, I told myself.

Miri & I got married that weekend, and the following week, we were off to Canada, not just for our honeymoon, but we were starting a new life there. Prior to my resignation, I had gotten a mouthwatering offer from a reputable company in Canada, and my Wife was covered, as she could comfortably do her Masters there. Sweet yeah! I called Madam HR on Skype and she was shocked to see Miri, we made faces at her, then I sent her an attachment containing the video of that wonderful night. Well, I learned she resigned the next day, whatever happened to her after, we don't know and we don't care.

THE END!!!